My Story

My dear friend Sophia Fogt has a blog dedicated to understanding and treating postpartum depression and anxiety. She has great ideas and relates her story very well. She asked if I would do a guest post on her blog telling of my struggles with postpartum depression. I gladly obliged, this is the link to her blog.

path to the light

ps-sorry for the typos, it was written in a rush of emotions

bare naked

Sometimes people see me naked. Not in the just- got-out-of-the-shower-way; in the emotionally raw, intensely intimate way. Need strips away my inhibitions and I am left open, real and vulnerable. Social politeness is cast aside and I am exposed; my fears, my dreams, my feelings all laid out for everyone to see. I hope I am with people who know me well enough to realize this isn't how I always am, a tangle of emotions, fears and all-encompassing sadness. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am balanced and brave and in control. But often my thoughts run away with me and I am taken for a dangerous and scary ride. Who knows why these emotional storms beset me? Why I become languid, heavyhearted and weighed down by the sorrow? I don't. I don't know why. I can't figure it out but I can fight it. I fight against the tidal wave of sadness with everything I've got. Throwing medicine, supplements, therapy, doctors, family and friends at the rising swell of depression that threatens to engulf me. Elder Holland's General Conference address a few weeks ago has been a lifeline for me. Tossed out by a loving Heavenly Father. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng  Family and friends encourage me that I won't always be this way. My children will grow and flourish and one day will barely need me at all. My hormones will stabilize, my body won't be so wracked with this disease. But for now I hang on, I cling to the hope of a better day.

things are getting blurry

The other night I was driving home in the dark and the rain. I don't like driving in the dark because pregnancy makes my eyesight all blurry so between the dark and the rain and my fuzzy eyesight, it was a white-knuckled drive for me. The reflection of the lights on the road made it impossible to see the lines so I didn't have a clear idea of where I should be. I tried to follow other cars but I wasn't going fast enough; tentatively feeling out where the lines might be. I was frantically trying to catch up with other drivers as they sped along seemingly unaffected by the driving conditions that were causing me so much stress. To divert my mind, I thought about how my situation reflects my perspective on life. I feel really good when I know exactly what to expect, when I can see the road for miles around, I know where I am going and how to get there. But at night my vision is limited and I have to trust that there aren't any roadblocks ahead. I often feel as if I am careening off cliffs and on the verge of encountering unseen dangers. Not sure why but I always expect the worst in unknown situations. I also really like knowing what's expected of me. When I have solid standards of conduct, and I can tell when I'm doing a good job. But my life isn't like that, it's all kind of blurry. Some days I feel like I'm a great wife and mother, like when I get the girls both bathed and ready for bed on time. But most days I'm not sure what to expect and my life is kind of hectic and messy. I guess there's a beauty to the mess but to me it just seems scary and out of control. I better get used to it though because with baby number #3 on the way, it's about to get a whole lot messier around here.

pressure

Some would say that peer pressure can be good or bad. I disagree. Pressure to act in a way that is uncomfortable to you is, in my opinion, always bad. Pressure to conform or be like the group despite how you may feel about a situation seems false and dangerous. Everyone has a moral compass which points them in the right direction and following that direction yields self-confidence, and perhaps a quiet sense of self and usually points towards self-preservation. Why would you doubt that? An inborn sense of right and wrong or more specifically of what one should do is deeply personal and failing to follow that directive only results in disappointment, discomfort and discouragement. How you feel when you are true to yourself will always trump how you feel when you have succumbed to the will of others. I know as parents we sometimes employ "positive peer pressure" in helping to steer our children in the right direction. Surrounding them with people who we hope they will one day emulate. Now, I think there is a fine line between encouraging your child to become their very best self, fostering a feeling of integrity and forcing them to behave a certain way or risk isolation, alienation and loss. I fervently hope to encourage my children to nurture their own sense of what's best for them as an individual instead of encouraging them to look outside of themselves and judge their actions by what other people are doing. Whether influencing a person for good or bad, this influence, when encouraged can lead to self-doubt, disappointment, and a false sense of identity. Because what other people are doing will always change. You will never be able to keep up with the Jones' because there will always be something bigger and better to chase. I want my children to know themselves and I want to know myself as well. We as adults are not immune to the pressures of others. I strongly believe the path to changing behavior is paved with encouragement, support and love. We shouldn't try to force others into behaving a particular way, we should seek out people who enjoy the same things we enjoy and revel in our shared interests or respect our differences. Tonight I watched a movie that has received much praise but after watching it I am left feeling sweaty, uncomfortable, overstimulated and worn out. I wish I had used the last 2 hours of my life to do something that would leave me feeling refreshed and relaxed instead I trying to decompress from all the violence and intensity I just experienced. I watched it because other people had liked it and recommended it but I would like to harden my resolve to only watch and/or participate in activities that are actually appealing to me in and of themselves barring any recommendations or at least taking into consideration things I actually enjoy. I'm not saying no one should watch this movie and I'm not passing judgment on those who enjoyed it but I had a feeling I wouldn't like and decided to risk it in the hopes that I would be wrong. In the future, I hope to be more true to myself and use my limited amount of leisure time in activities that leave me feeling relaxed and refreshed.

settling in

Many changes have taken place in my life over the past few months and I'm happy to say I am finally settling in. We recently moved to Billings after living in Great Falls for 8 years. We were in the process of building a house in a lovely neighborhood when we found out we were expecting again. Quite unexpectedly! Facing the years ahead of having 3 babies under the age of 3, we knew something had to change. I've had life-threatening postpartum depression after each of my babies and anticipate it will be even worse this time around. So Tim & I decided to move our small family to Utah to be closer to the support & love of my parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts & uncles as well as our many friends who have migrated here over the years. We are now living in my parent's home in Kaysville and look forward to spending a lot of time with friends and family.

connections

I've been thinking about this post for a few days but haven't really gotten to flesh it out yet so sorry if it doesn't make much sense, "roughewn" right?

I believe humanity is recognizing yourself in others. Making a connection to someone else can be powerful, poignant, and honest. I connect with others through music, art, writing. I see myself reflected back or what I would like to be or become. I would like to be bold and self-assured like my sisters, kind like my husband, outgoing like my mom, eloquent like my brother, calm like my dad. I hear my song on another's lips, feel the beat of my heart in music and see myself in art; everything is filtered through self . Eyes watching, ears hearing, body moving. Striving to emulate good traits in others. Deep connections make us who we are. However, the opportunities for shallow connections abound in social media . Don't get me wrong, casual acquaintances are fun and necessary but I also need solid, real-life friends who can see me for who I am and really know me, My thoughts, aspirations, disappointments and dreams. I find these deep connections reassuring. I like to discuss ideas and opinions but with just a few true friends; too many and I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes our culture encourages us to collect friends like stamps, the more you have the better you are, popularity being a contest someone can win. I like to make friends who help me become myself, Who help me express myself not because of the money I will make or the acclaim I will receive but because I want to connect in real and meaningful ways to other human beings. sometimes I get caught up in wondering if I have good ideas or not, if my thoughts are worthy of a blog post or of being recorded in a book but I doubt that is what motivated Aristotle or Michelangelo or Einstein to do the things they did. Great minds do what they do for self expression and that's outside of prestige or recognition. They did what they did because it needed to be done that's why I want to write because I feel some things need to be said and I want to give others the opportunity to connect with me with my ideas, thoughts, feelings because that connection can be so meaningful and rewarding it's why we create; to say here am I, see me, are you like me? are you different?

McDonalds

If you haven't heard Jim Gaffigan's stand up routine Mr. Universe, open a new tab on your web browser and watch it right now. It's hilarious and will make you laugh out loud. My favorite part is when he talks about McDonalds and the shame we associate with eating at McDonalds. We all know that kind of food is bad for us, you've probably even seen some documentary with horrific footage of the animals used to make McDonald's food, I know I have. And yet, they stay in business. Well, this post isn't a tirade against fast food, it's a call to self reflection and acceptance of others. As Jim points out (of course we're on a first name basis, he's one of my many parenting coaches) we all have a McDonald's, something we know we should be better at or shouldn't do but we do it all the same. In the workout regime, P90X, Tony Horton refers to difficult moves as "what I currently struggle with" and never "what I can't do." I have found these two mindsets to be incredibly enlightening. Everybody's bad at something, something big, something small, something embarrassing, something they don't do well and wish they could do better at. I struggle with mental illness, it's my McDonald's. When I go to my psychiatrist's office, I try not to make eye contact with anybody, try to be covert like maybe I'm a functioning adult after all and I just wandered in here on accident looking for a heart-attack inducing cheese burger. Because there are still so many unknowns about mental illness and it's effects on people's lives. That is why I decided to write this post. To "come out of the closet" essentially. Post-partum depression is my McDonld's. It's what I "currently struggle with." But I'm coming to realize we all have something. My grandpa always says "every saint has a story." It isn't shameful to struggle with an issue, it isn't demeaning or even uncommon to not be good at everything. My mom always admonishes me, "you can't be perfect yet, I'm not ready for you to go to heaven." I think in a Christian culture we often get the message to be like Christ, essentially to be perfect. Well I think that is an incorrect interpretation of what God really wants for us. He wants us to become like Him. Russel M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints, gave this message entitled "perfection pending" in 1995. I don't remember who brought it to my attention but I will be forever grateful to that person because I feel this is an answer to a problem I have struggled with for a long time. And realizing that no one expects me to be perfect, that it's normal and even good for me to have my McDonald's has been incredibly liberating. Now it seems so simple, of course I'm not good at everything and pretending to be only brings shame, dishonesty and isolation. I really do want to have it all together, I thrive on order and predictability and feeling like I do a "good job." My love language might be "words of affirmation," because I love hearing or feeling like I did something right I was dependable, reliable, organized, prepared, efficient, I proved myself that I'm worthy to be your friend, to be her teacher or his mother, like I'm worth something, I matter. And I think we all want to matter. Everybody wants to know they matter to somebody. That somebody feels their absence and longs for their return. In the 2004 movie about Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon, they learn being married means having a witness, a witness to your life, your big moments as well as your day to day happenings. This rings true to me, being in any relationship means you are seen for who you are, for real, the good, the bad and the in between. Someone knows me, really knows me. And you can't really know someone until you know their McDonald's. My therapist has helped me realize that in a relationship we are vulnerable and it is through that vulnerability that we build trust. Giving someone the opportunity to ridicule you and having them respond with love builds lasting bonds between people. As I struggle to manage my post-partum depression and make new friends in a new place and build a house and be a wife and mother to my family, it's a relief to acknowledge that I'm not good at everything, in fact I really stink at some things and that's ok and even healthy, that everybody needs you to cut them some slack so they'll understand when it's your turn and that being real and raw with people often builds wonderful relationships. The squeals from the girls' rooms are my signal that nap time is over and so is my alone time. This is a long, tangle of a post but that's why my blog is entitled "roughewn." I would like to return to this idea and develop some more thoughts I have. I'd also like your input, what's your McDonald's? What helps you remember to accept other people? and to accept yourself? The student in me will include an unofficial works cited here:
Jim Gaffigan McDonald's http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YDTfEhChgw
P90X http://www.beachbody.com/product/fitness_programs/p90x.do
"Perfection Pending" by Russel M. Nelson  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3QtkeYoKeE
Shall We Dance http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0358135/

Pain

Most of us would do anything to avoid pain. We go to great lengths to stay away from pain and to end it as soon as it begins. I think it's human nature. We want to be safe, to survive and thrive so we naturally avoid painful situations, emotions, and even shy away from painful memories or events. But I think it is in seeing our pain, looking at it head-on that we gain an understanding of pain, perhaps how to avoid it next time but more importantly, how to recognize when it is gone. My therapist tells me often "It's only a feeling and you're entitled to your feelings." It's ok to feel shy, overwhelmed, angry, irritated, tired. In fact, it's healthy. Feeling pain whether from betrayal, misunderstandings, loneliness, pride, regret; it is expected and even beneficial. Not only should I expect to go through painful experiences, I can grow and become more from them. I fight off feeling tired, stave off my frustrations, grit my teeth and want to scream sometimes but it takes so much work to push against those emotions. I'm trying to allow myself to just feel them. It's ok to get exasperated when trying to dress a twisting, turning baby; in fact, it's normal, it's a healthy reaction. You don't get into right and wrong until you consider actions: it is ok to feel frustration, to take a break or clap my hands or stomp my feet, it is not ok to throw said baby out the window (don't worry, I haven't done that). Too often, at the end of a trying day I brainstorm ways to make tomorrow better: I should have done the dishes earlier so the kitchen wouldn't get out of control or I should organize the babies' toys better so they don't end up all over the house or I should have folded laundry instead of taking a nap when the babies were sleeping because now I don't have any clean underwear. Often I analyze and synthesize and theorize on ways to avoid pain: embarrassment, loneliness, fatigue. But, some pain is a part of life. I do pretty well to protect myself and my family from unnecessary pain and try to embrace and learn from the painful experiences I do have. It's normal and healthy to feel lonely/exhausted/lost/overwhelmed. In fact, it's just healthy to feel. Feeling lonely reminds me of what great friends and family I have. I appreciate them more because I know what it's like to not see them. I rejoice in a well-prepared meal because I know what it's like to have everything burn. One day I will sleep in as late as I want because no one will be yelling MOM-MA! from their crib. I will embrace the pain of motherhood, of having 2 small beings depend on me for everything, of being a wife and enjoying the small moments I get to share snuggling with my husband as he falls asleep after a long day at work and wishing I could see more of the one person I've chosen to spend time with. Don't get me wrong, I am not asking for help, support, anything really. I see a real need for people to connect in meaningful ways and to be open and honest about life, it's ups and especially it's downs because everybody has downs and that's ok.

Flex those mighty muscles

I'm writing a book. I've been thinking about it for some time and I feel ready to start sketching out this idea. I'd like some experiences to draw on besides my own so, please tell me about a time when you felt powerful. In a confident, I can get things done, I'm competent, I just did that! Kind of way. Like, almost invincible, or even just incredibly influential. Or maybe when you felt like you discovered something you were good at (I know as Christians and sometimes even as women we feel like we're not supposed to be good at anything, like how it's considered socially normal to deflect compliments and downplay our accomplishments and hide our abilities). Look, everybody's good at something, what's your thing? I know I often focus my attention on the things I'm not doing or my failed attempts (like the sunburst mirror I've been trying to build in 20 minute chunks of time for 3 weeks). But I feel it can be very enriching to take time to think about what you're good at, whatever it is, and congratulate yourself especially if it's something that could be considered insignificant. (I happen to be really good at laundry and I rock at responding to the specific sounds and cleaning up the disgusting bodily fluids that often spew from my adorable babies). Remember, every ability counts, what are you good at?

who's your momma?

everybody needs a great momma. I feel really lucky that I have one and I know it isn't Mother's Day or anything but I've just been thinking how great it is to have a mom and sometimes I wish I could go back to being a teenager and having my mom take care of so many things for me. Moms are great at remembering your birthday and planning a super special day for you with all of your favorite things. They listen to you talk about your life and your friends and who you're currently crushing on. Who else would take care of you when you're disgustingly sick with the flu or whining and ornery because you have cramps, again! Who else besides you cares what Jessie Joe said about you in French class the other day or how defeated you felt when you tried out for the dance for the fourth time, and didn't make it, for the fourth time! Who else could give you advice and watch out for you all the time. Plan special enriching events for you to participate in and warn you about dangers in the world. I feel so cared for and connected to something special whenever I talk to my mom. She knows me, all the good, the bad, and everything in between. She was the first person my wondering newborn eyes focused on, I recognize her special mommy scent when I borrow her clothes, and I know no matter what I do or how badly I mess up, she's still my mom, always has been, always will be. So here's to you mom, thanks for teaching me how to be someone else's everything. I am who I am because of the concentrated efforts of my momma.

Seeing Red

I don't consider myself an angry person but recently I started piecing together a number of experiences when I've completely lost my temper (which is an odd expression because I didn't lose it, it actually overtook me. It's more like finding your temper right?) Usually I'm just going along with normal, everyday disappointments or frustrations but every now and then it just gets too much. I probably justify losing it (or finding it) by telling myself that any sane, rational person wouldn't be able to keep their cool in this situation. In fact, I should get really angry and gnash my teeth and yell and stomp to get my way. That's often what happens when I get really angry, it's because I didn't get my way (I know it sounds so childish) but it can be overwhelmingly frustrating to me to not be able to make things happen. Two experiences come to mind in which I felt my anger had transformed me from a slight and even-tempered person to a hulking, possibly green, maniacal fury-filled creature. The first occasion was while we were building our very first home, a stressful undertaking granted but I really handled myself well through living in a trailer parked on our muddy lot, last-minute trips to Home Depot 4 or 5 times a day, and laying our own hardwood floor in the heat of July. Maybe it was all the buildup from these experiences that caused me to go insane one day. We had stayed up until 2:00 in the morning laying hardwood, then I had gone to a training for work all day. Trying to pay attention to the presentations and fielding phone calls about the house during breaks. Trying desperately to move into our home before the school year started in August. This idea became an obsession of mine, there was nothing that could possibly stand in my way, come hell or high water I would be moving into my new house before the first day of school. So I clamped down and did everything I could to make it happen and it was going according to my carefully calculated plan when the carpeting went haywire. I can't believe this, but my pulse is actually quickening just thinking about this day. Residual anger from that very frustrating day. I had ordered the carpet and pad from Home Depot in plenty of time for it to arrive and be installed according to schedule. Although we had hired a general contractor to build our home, we really ended up doing most of the scheduling, planning and preparing that I have since come to understand is really the responsibility of the general contractor. I don't remember all the details of what went wrong, they've been blocked out by periods of pure fury, but I do remember talking to customer service at the dreaded Depot in exasperated expletives. They had the carpet but not the pad and didn't know where the pad was or when it would arrive. It was the last straw. I had put my blood, sweat and tears into this house and I was moving in over the weekend and I HAD to have carpet in on Friday! I wasn't waiting another second to move into my new house and I couldn't believe I was being delayed by this incompetent system/person/whatever! Overwhelming amounts of frustration in situations like this cause me to swell and yell and stomp and act like some kind of monster. That customer service rep owes her life to the fact that I couldn't reach through the phone and throttle her. I was so mad! Blinding fury at their mistake and what it might cost me. I could not believe they had messed up. How dare they! Didn't they know how much this meant to me? I've heard anger is often a top layer emotion brought on by deeper emotions like frustration, exhaustion, or disappointment. I was feeling all of these powerful emotions and expressing them in a torrent of fiery words hurled over the phone. Somehow I fired Home Depot from installing our carpet, vindictively I'm sure, and after several dead ends found padding and a new installer who would work all day Saturday and Sunday. He did it, we did it, and we moved in Sunday night just in time for me to start work Monday morning.
I'm exhausted just from recounting that whole experience. I guess it worked, I got what I wanted but I'm so very ashamed by how I handled it. I got what I wanted but at what cost? I freaked out, my fury scared me. I'm not even sure why I'm blogging about this. I think I just want to understand why I acted this way and change my response to similar situations in the future because I recently freaked out just like this and I don't want to accept the idea that I turn into the hulk whenever I'm confronted by a really stressful situation. There's go to be a better way. Does anybody else feel this way? Have you been in a situation when you felt so totally overwhelmed by anger, fear, frustration, etc. that it consumed you? How do we handle anger? How should we handle anger? If nobody comments I'll just have to assume you're all closet psychopaths like me.

mine, all mine

I know, I know, I said/typed I would blog everyday well, I'm not. It's too much, I don't want to blog everyday. I'd like to blog more often because it clears my head and helps me understand myself but everyday was too much pressure. Sometimes I clear my head by watching Netflix with my husband or by going to bed early since my babies are stretching me to the max! And, anyway, it's my blog. I can do whatever I want! If you like reading it, that's great! but I really do it for myself. I hope you are not shocked/embarrassed/amazed by what I blog about, or maybe I do...

Gender roles

I believe a woman can be a very distinct influence on those around her. As a budding adolescent, it seemed a woman's power or influence was based mainly in her sex appeal; what she could accomplish by compelling or persuading men to do her bidding, by blinding them with her beauty or distracting them by how much skin she was showing.
Having two baby girls has given me reason to ponder womanhood and how I view my power or influence; I've become more sensitive to promiscuous behavior and sexual innuendos in music, television and movies, often objectifying women as sex symbols. I want to clarify my own understanding of womanhood and the wonderful experiences and roles my gender provides in an effort to fortify my daughters against the onslaught of influences they are sure to encounter by adolescence.
I believe women too often bare their beautiful and alluring bodies to all instead of honoring themselves and saving those parts that are most precious for one who will earn the right to their intimacy. There is an attraction between the sexes that is wonderful and very desirable in a loving and committed relationship.
I feel womanhood is full of beautiful and unique experiences to be cherished by mothers teaching their daughters and sisters sharing feelings, a feminist movement among us would have women believe that they are just as good as men, they can work just as hard, earn just as much money and have the same jobs as men. Which just isn't true, men are endowed with distinct abilities and responsibilities separate from but equal to those of women. We are torn between feeling our only worth is found in the bedroom and being treated exactly like a man, ignoring the sweet and sensitive differences that are our god-given gifts. Well, I'm here to say I am not a man and I never want to be. My husband is a scruffy, charming, muscular mystery to me and I like it that way. I read an interview once where Goldie Hawn rejoiced in the differences between her and her husband and cautioned wives everywhere to do the same. She said something like "I wouldn't want him to be just like me, I'm a woman and he's a man, that's how it's supposed to be." Of course I enjoy having an intimate relationship with my husband but I also need women in my life, my mom, my sisters and friends who understand me in a way he just never will. Nor should I expect him to.
I relish the relationship between men and women; we teach and love and inspire each other to become better and more complete. I embrace my womanhood, my tenderness and kindness, my role in my home and family. Fresh flowers, sweet-smells, loving smiles and kindness, these are strong feminine traits.

Picture Perfect

my life has gotten very messy. I used to feel that I had it all together, but 2 babies in 2 years, a husband who travels for work, living far from family, and belonging to a very involved church all equals a very busy, messy life for me. The only problem is I thrive on order, on predictability and control. I can identify with Kate Gosselin and her down-spiraling life, a Type A mother of 8 small children would be exhausting. I read in her book, pre-Dancing With the Stars and all Hollywood drama, that she wanted to parent a certain way and she didn't think it mattered whether she had 1 kid or 100. I can be a high-strung, great expectations, I-can't-believe-you-would-wear-that-in-public thinking girl. As a kid, my mom was always telling me to relax, enjoy life, take a risk, have fun. But my idea of fun was perfection. Perfection in a dress, perfection in a date, perfection in what I said and who I was with. I've been chasing this Perfection all my life. It's just so damn elusive. I had a mental breakdown after my first baby was born. (most women do in some form or another) I was broken. For the first time in my life I realized Perfection was not attainable. I was devastated. What was the purpose of life if not to become perfect? To never say anything stupid or mean and to always choose the right, to get straight A's and remember everyone's birthday and never lose my temper. This is what I was striving for and when it all came crashing down around me, I was mad. So, so mad. I felt God had set me up. Had sent me to earth and taught me to strive for this perfection and I was never going to make it. I would never be good enough, smart enough, strong enough. I would always be lacking in one area or another. Even my accomplishments were slippery; I might be really good about reading my scriptures for a whole month but then the baby would start teething and I would lose the habit. I felt my efforts were all in vain. I would never be perfect, I couldn't be perfect so why even try? It was especially crushing that I felt so inadequate to be a mother. I had been groomed and prepped and taught that being a mother would be the full measure of my creation, everything led up to bringing spirits into the world to have bodies and experience mortality. To teaching them the gospel and cultivating their testimonies of Christ by singing Primary songs to them and having meaningful Family Home Evenings where we told Old Testament stories with felt characters. But this screaming banshee of a baby was a far cry (literally) from any of my expectations of motherhood. She was so needy and so insistent with the crying and I never knew if she was hungry or tired or mad or dying! I felt like such a failure. And I was so mad at the Lord for setting me up. He knew I couldn't do this! He knew this would be so hard for me and He asked me to do it anyway. So, although I was steaming mad, I felt I really had no other choice but to ask for His help. He had sent me this squalling little bundle after all and I knew He wanted me to take care of her.
I just want to segue for a moment: I love, love, LOVE my babies. Both of them. I literally want to eat them up they are so adorable and fun and precious and the most perfect baby girls EVER! But you probably already know that, everybody talks about how much they love their kids, how wonderful they are, kids really can be a joy, you are so incredibly proud of them and I don't think you love anyone else so unconditionally, even your spouse. But nobody talks about all the hard stuff, the late nights, the midnight runs to Wal-Mart, the desperation you feel as a new parent (or maybe just as a parent in general). At least no one talked to me about it before I had kids. Maybe they did and I just didn't listen. I remember talking to my cousin's husband before I had kids. He said having kids is like getting the chicken pocks, it's going to happen sooner or later, you may as well get it over with. So, at the risk of sounding incredibly negative, I am choosing to highlight or perhaps elucidate the challenges of being a parent. A good parent that is, anybody can be a crappy parent, it's easy, the news is full of ideas on how to screw your kids up. Anyways, back to how I crawled out of that deep, dark hole I found myself in after my daughter was born.
So, not only had I looked forward to this day my entire life, but I also believe being a mother is one of the most important responsibilities I will ever have, ever, like forever, ever. It's a partnership with God and has everlasting consequences and lots of other incredibly overwhelming ideas. So here I am, a new mom, recovering from the traumatic experience of having something that was inside of me come outside of me, dealing with these feelings of inadequacy as hormones rage within me. Hardest time of my life. I really hope it stays that way too.
You may be wondering what helped? How did I make it through without hurting myself or my very vulnerable baby? Is there a light at the end of this long, gloomy tunnel? I don't know. Time, medication, my mom living with me for a few weeks, bolstering my confidence as a mommy (she's a great mommy so I just did whatever she told me to do) lots of praying and crying and sleepless nights. Talking to other moms and realizing they had had similar experiences was my solace. Even if I was going crazy, at least I wasn't going alone. It is very normal for a new mom to feel inadequate, isolated, defeated. I think especially for a Latter-day Saint mom who sees other amazing moms that seem to be able to do all this so effortlessly. I'm here to tell you it isn't effortless, it is effort-full! (You really can make any 2 words one if you use a hyphen). And anyone who tells you differently is lying through their teeth! If someone seems to be great at everything, you probably just don't know them very well. And if you ever need a strong dose of reality, I'm happy to oblige. I've made it a personal goal to blog every day, there, I said it/typed it so I really have to do it now. Wish me luck! Till tomorrow,
Chazlyn

I Love

I'm noticing my blog is a lot about my struggles and frustrations with motherhood and in an effort to obtain equilibre, I wanted to post some of the things I love about being a mommy to my two girls.
I love...
gummy grins in the morning,
being greeted by shrieks of delight,
sweet snuggles,
kissing chubby cheeks,
being bowled over by a toddler hug,
sisters giggling in the backseat,
singing "Once there was a snowman" every night,
kissing teeny, tiny toes
a look of concentration on such a small person's face,
and being their one and only mommy.

Vanquishing the Beast

I AM VICTORIOUS! My home is in order for possibly the first time in months. The floors are swept AND vacuumed, all surfaces are dust-free, my counter tops are gleaming and the toys are all neatly tucked away on shelves. Although, even as I type this I scan the room and see wilted florescent balloons left over from a party last week that most certainly do not belong in my living room. Sigh. Does anyone else feel like they are waging a war against some evil force within their abode that maliciously and consistently spews out clutter, dirt and dust? Sometimes my efforts seem comical, like trying to keep a boat afloat that has sprung numerous leaks, but I am happy to say that through sheer determination and pressing circumstances, my house is now CLEAN.
A plus of trying desperately to sell our house and move is that we often get calls from Realtors requesting a walk-through with prospective buyers. We usually know a day in advance but there's nothing like a last minute call to get us motivated and focused on getting our house in Better Homes and Gardens condition. After all, if we can make these people love our house, we can move and be together as a family again and I no longer have to function as a single parent of small children.
So we got a call asking if some people could come by in about an hour and a half. Luckily both girls were still resting so Tim and I started tidying the house, it wasn't that bad. But the more tidying we did the more we saw how much cleaning needed to be done. So we kicked it into overdrive and dusted, scrubbed, wiped, and cleared kitchen, family room, 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Whew! I knew we were getting a little stressed when I got after Tim for scrubbing a sink I had previously cleaned and he shut down my attempts to vacuum. We pulled out of the driveway, both babies in tow, exactly 1 minute before the prospective home-buyers were to arrive. After congratulating ourselves on a job adequately done, I resolved to do some deeper cleaning when we returned so we could be more prepared for the next time. Although I am currently enjoying my clean home, I anxiously look forward to settling into our next home and enjoying our privacy and cleaning at a more leisurely pace.

Pokemon

For those of you who aren't familiar with Pokemon, they are Japanese anime characters with special powers. If you are so inclined, you can find out more about them from Wikipedia here. Because video games often require a lot of spatial awareness, of which I have very little, I'm not really familiar with the Pokemon franchise itself but I do know the point of a Pokemon game is to collect a certain number of pocket monsters who each have distinct special powers. Collecting a unique array of these Pokemon helps you complete a specific task.
My interest in Pokemon was piqued while watching an episode of 30 Rock. Jack is explaining to Liz that he is much happier divorced than he was married. He says he realized he was expecting too much of one woman; that there isn't one woman who has all the traits, characteristics, experience, etc. that he needs. Jack feels he is better off having a different woman for each of his distinct interests. He has a woman he takes to black tie events, a woman who is informed about politics, a woman he takes to visit his mother, a different woman to fulfill each of his unique needs. Of course, I disagree with this principle as it applies to romantic relationships, I am very happily married to one amazing man, but I agree with Jack when it comes to friendships. I'm realizing I was erroneously expecting to have all of my emotional, spiritual, intellectual and creative needs fulfilled from just a handful of people. I would actually get jealous when I heard of their escapades with other friends! I don't have other friends, why should they? Am I not enough? Well, the answer to that is yes, I'm not enough friend for any one person. Instead of expecting to be able to do everything that interests me with a select 4 or 5 people, I'm realizing I will be much happier if I Pokemon friends. Find a person who shares my interest in politics, find another who shares my affinity for reading, another who sews, one who blogs, one who enjoys Zumba, the possibilities are endless. This sounds so simplistic as I type it but it really has been a game changer in my relationships lately. In the past I have felt let down by people who weren't exactly like me in every way. Like I really could only be friends with myself and everyone else was a compromise. But I am now realizing that there are many facets of my life and it is very realistic and healthy to find and cultivate relationships with others who share a specific interest. She may not be a voracious reader like me but maybe she has an incredible green thumb. He might not want to watch educational documentaries on Netflix but he has great ideas about current events. How wonderfully unique and special each person is and what an opportunity I have in meeting more people to see what common interests or ideas we share and how I can learn from their experiences. I think the value in friendship is seeing a small part of yourself reflected back in another person. (Emphasis on small, there's no one else like me.)

equilibre

I just finished reading Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman and I'm pretty sure I was born in the wrong country; I'm really a french woman at heart. I share the french affinity for pastries, gourmet meals, looking fashionable, and eating whole foods. After reading this book, I've realized I also parent like the french. According to Druckerman, the french believe children should be limited by a very strict set of rules the "cadre" or frame of morals, obligations and courtesies of society, but within this framework children can enjoy abundant freedoms. I also respect children as little people, much like Dr. Seuss I believe "a person's a person no matter how small" and that the easiest way to teach children respect is to be respectful of them. This doesn't mean that I give in to my children's every whim. The french expect children will do betises or small acts of naughtiness, which don't necessarily warrant punishment. Also french parents don't give in to a child's caprice or impulsive demands, tears and whining.
What I am struggling with is finding the equilibre or balance that french parents seem to be able to obtain. Not letting any one aspect of life--including parenthood--overwhelm the rest. How do I parent 2 babies, support my husband in his career, keep our home clean, the laundry done, cook nutritious meals and still manage to write, exercise, and shower everyday? I'm NOT looking for sympathy, I know moms that soothingly tell me I don't have to do all those things, it's ok to stay in my sweats all day every day for the next 10 years. But letting myself be a slouchy mess is not how I envisioned motherhood. Learning about how the french parent has encouraged me to take care of myself as well as I take care of my babies. I may not have an amazing creche (a full-time French day care center complete with a gourmet chef, a college-educated staff and weekly visits from a pediatrician) but I do have supportive and helpful family and friends to help me achieve this equilibre between being a mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, writer and a sane person.

we're clan people

my therapist recently pointed out that humans have always lived in groups: clans, families, villages, societies, gangs, etc. she reassured me that we need each other, we always have and most likely always will. as individuals we need to be with other people. I have been blessed to have an amazing extended family that has always been very supportive, kind, encouraging and just everything you'd ever want from cousins, aunts & uncles, grandmas & grandpas, parents and siblings. i didn't realize how much i relied on them until i moved 500 miles away. now my husband and i are all alone without any of that support. no one to have sunday dinner with, no one to call when we get locked out of the house, no one to visit us when we get sick, no one. so i asked my therapist if i would be happier, healthier, more complete and well if i lived closer to my extended family. she said either that or cultivate those types of relationships where you live. i'm realizing that everybody needs somebody they can call in the middle of the night for help and that somebody doesn't have to be a blood relative. i thought it would be imposing to call upon a friend in a time of need because friends are for fun, family is for hard times. and i think it probably used to be that way but now that people move for jobs and school and finances and just because they want to, it's getting less and less common to live in the same town you were born in or even in the same state as your parents. but we are not getting more independent. it's not as if we no longer need the support a family gives, we're just recreating those relationships in other ways. i used to not understand and even criticize people who were friends with their coworkers. i didn't understand the desire some people have to hang out or socialize outside of work. i barely knew my coworkers and i already had my support group thank you. i didn't need anyone else because i have a whole gaggle of peeps in my hometown that think i am amazing and would do anything for me. well, that's great unless you need someone right here right now. so i'm realizing everybody needs relationships with people who are like them and people who aren't. i have some good friends who are just like me in a lot of ways and i'm starting to see the value in having friends who aren't like me, who maybe are in a different phase of life than i am so they can offer some perspective on my day to day disappointments, some who help me branch out and try new things, maybe even some who bug me sometimes. it's important to interact, socialize, compromise and have experiences with other people and to build relationships with lots of people. my mom used to always tell me there's enough love to go around, you don't have to be stingy with it. and i am, i'm kind of a love-snob. but i'm thinking it would be good for me and for my family to work on cultivating the same types of relationships i enjoy with my family members, in people that live closer to us. i've noticed in television shows like Parks and Recreation or The Office that there is a lot of interaction between characters  that remind me of a family. further reflecting the idea that having those types of relationships are important. not to say that family is not important but again, i think we thrive on relationships and if our family members don't live close enough to support us in our day to day lives, it's important to have friends who will. everybody needs a gregarious aunt in their life, a kind sister, a silly brother, and a concerned grandma. when we aren't close enough to lean on each other, we can find those roles in the people around us. such a comforting thought.

it takes a village

sometimes i resent getting help from others. i have lived far away from my family throughout most of my adult life (not their fault at all, they are all awesome) and i am realizing i have been limiting myself by not accepting or allowing help from others. i have thought that by accepting help from others i will somehow negate the love or care or concern my family has for me. or that it is unfair or that i am not being loyal to my family if i accept service or kindness from other people. serving was something you did to people who didn't have strong, supportive extended families and i had one so i was good, i didn't need anything else and i didn't want anyone to worry about me. i would even cringe when our bishop would ask how we were doing because i knew he had so many people to worry about, i didn't want him to think he had to worry about us too. we're fine, always fine, never worry, never wonder, just assume we're fine. we'll, sometimes we're not fine and that's normal and healthy and to be expected. sometimes i need to be rescued just like everybody else and that doesn't make me weak or inferior or unrighteous, just human. i am realizing to embrace my humanity and  relish in the love and service that can come from others when you really just need help to make it through the day. and realizing that everybody gets there. everyone has or will see that point in their life when they realize the value and importance of having real, loving people around them. i am thankful for all the real, loving people in my life, near and far, who have helped me stay sane, safe, and happy. i seriously wouldn't be here without all of you.