Seeing Red

I don't consider myself an angry person but recently I started piecing together a number of experiences when I've completely lost my temper (which is an odd expression because I didn't lose it, it actually overtook me. It's more like finding your temper right?) Usually I'm just going along with normal, everyday disappointments or frustrations but every now and then it just gets too much. I probably justify losing it (or finding it) by telling myself that any sane, rational person wouldn't be able to keep their cool in this situation. In fact, I should get really angry and gnash my teeth and yell and stomp to get my way. That's often what happens when I get really angry, it's because I didn't get my way (I know it sounds so childish) but it can be overwhelmingly frustrating to me to not be able to make things happen. Two experiences come to mind in which I felt my anger had transformed me from a slight and even-tempered person to a hulking, possibly green, maniacal fury-filled creature. The first occasion was while we were building our very first home, a stressful undertaking granted but I really handled myself well through living in a trailer parked on our muddy lot, last-minute trips to Home Depot 4 or 5 times a day, and laying our own hardwood floor in the heat of July. Maybe it was all the buildup from these experiences that caused me to go insane one day. We had stayed up until 2:00 in the morning laying hardwood, then I had gone to a training for work all day. Trying to pay attention to the presentations and fielding phone calls about the house during breaks. Trying desperately to move into our home before the school year started in August. This idea became an obsession of mine, there was nothing that could possibly stand in my way, come hell or high water I would be moving into my new house before the first day of school. So I clamped down and did everything I could to make it happen and it was going according to my carefully calculated plan when the carpeting went haywire. I can't believe this, but my pulse is actually quickening just thinking about this day. Residual anger from that very frustrating day. I had ordered the carpet and pad from Home Depot in plenty of time for it to arrive and be installed according to schedule. Although we had hired a general contractor to build our home, we really ended up doing most of the scheduling, planning and preparing that I have since come to understand is really the responsibility of the general contractor. I don't remember all the details of what went wrong, they've been blocked out by periods of pure fury, but I do remember talking to customer service at the dreaded Depot in exasperated expletives. They had the carpet but not the pad and didn't know where the pad was or when it would arrive. It was the last straw. I had put my blood, sweat and tears into this house and I was moving in over the weekend and I HAD to have carpet in on Friday! I wasn't waiting another second to move into my new house and I couldn't believe I was being delayed by this incompetent system/person/whatever! Overwhelming amounts of frustration in situations like this cause me to swell and yell and stomp and act like some kind of monster. That customer service rep owes her life to the fact that I couldn't reach through the phone and throttle her. I was so mad! Blinding fury at their mistake and what it might cost me. I could not believe they had messed up. How dare they! Didn't they know how much this meant to me? I've heard anger is often a top layer emotion brought on by deeper emotions like frustration, exhaustion, or disappointment. I was feeling all of these powerful emotions and expressing them in a torrent of fiery words hurled over the phone. Somehow I fired Home Depot from installing our carpet, vindictively I'm sure, and after several dead ends found padding and a new installer who would work all day Saturday and Sunday. He did it, we did it, and we moved in Sunday night just in time for me to start work Monday morning.
I'm exhausted just from recounting that whole experience. I guess it worked, I got what I wanted but I'm so very ashamed by how I handled it. I got what I wanted but at what cost? I freaked out, my fury scared me. I'm not even sure why I'm blogging about this. I think I just want to understand why I acted this way and change my response to similar situations in the future because I recently freaked out just like this and I don't want to accept the idea that I turn into the hulk whenever I'm confronted by a really stressful situation. There's go to be a better way. Does anybody else feel this way? Have you been in a situation when you felt so totally overwhelmed by anger, fear, frustration, etc. that it consumed you? How do we handle anger? How should we handle anger? If nobody comments I'll just have to assume you're all closet psychopaths like me.