A Girl is a Body of Water by Jennifer Nansubuga Makumbi

I just finished this book and wanted to share a passage that especially spoke to me. A grandmother, Nsuuta is speaking to her young granddaughter, Kirabo about her naughty behavior.

"Listen, you fly out of your body because our original state is in you. " She poked Kirabo in a Lucky you way. 

"Our original state?"

"Yes, the way women were in the beginning."

"Were we not like this?"

"Of course not." Nsuuta was indignant, as if this current state were contemptible. "We changed when the original state was bred out of us."

Kirabo looked at her hands as if to see the change. "Was it bad what we were? Is it what makes me do bad things?"

"No, it was not bad at all. In fact, it was wonderful for us. We were not squeezed inside, we were huge, strong, bold, loud, proud, brave, independent. But it was too much for the world and they got rid of it. However, occasionally that state is reborn in a girl like you. But in all cases it is suppressed. In your case the first woman flies out of your body because it does not relate to the way this society is."

"But how do we get rid of it?"

"Get rid of it? Child, it is a gift. Let it grow, let us see what we were like, what we are capable of?"...."It is our story."

"Our story?"

"It is an untold story."

"Untold?" Her eyes lit up.

"It got buried a long time ago until it was forgotten."

"But you know it?"

"I dug it up."

We Begin by Saying Dear Heavenly Mother

Art by Emily Shay

I volunteered to say the prayer in Sunday School. I was sitting in the front row to support my friend who was nervous about teaching. 

When I stood and bowed my head,

"Our Heavenly Mother," is what I said.

I plead with Her to keep us safe,

I did not know my words would chafe.

I reach to my Heavenly Mother,

In Her, I find another,

Another mother, a woman like me,

It's so refreshing to see,

someone who looks like me.

She is a God, the pinnacle of human existence.

Praying to Her, it closes the distance

between me and who I can become

It just feels so very wholesome

To speak to Her, to ask and plead

To have a woman like me to lead

I am not secondary, not forgotten

not a child misbegotten

I am divine, equal and complete

I can withstand any defeat

You may say I am in the wrong

But when I pray, I feel strong

I am powerful and worthy of

recognition, leadership, and love.

So it may bother you

that I am doing something new,

But it is mine to do and say

what brings me to my God each day

and I will reach to Her and sing

praises to Her name to bring

peace to my heart and soul,

that Her love and mercy I will know.

Wrapped in Her eternal love,

I will not feel each pinch or shove.

Mock me if you must,

But I will not adjust.

My soul, My yearning and desire

You may think my choices dire,

But, in praying to my Heavenly Mother

I find another

small reason to stay

in this church where they often say

You are secondary, ornamental

don't be so sentimental.

Sit down and listen, stay in your place

Later on you may have space

To lead, to testify,

to teach and rectify

Your position as an equal

to this work, there is a sequel.

I wanted to be

 I wanted to be Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle. I was enchanted with how kind and magical she was and how much the children adored her and how she always knew how to solve problems. She made everyone feel special and seen and heard and knew just what to do to in sticky situations. I wanted to be loved and adored like Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle and I really enjoyed introducing my kids to these books that I loved as a kid and really, the role model I had for becoming a teacher of young children. 

But, tonight, as I was listening to Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle with my daughter for the hundredth time, I realized, I can't be Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle because she isn't a real person. Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle never gets angry or frustrated or upset, she's always cheerful and kind, she doesn't let anything bother her, she's exactly the kind of person a kid would want to be around because she's made up, she isn't real, she's based on a fantasy of what children would think the perfect adult would look like and that's the problem, children don't really know what it's like to be an adult, they only know what it's like to be a kid and they imagine that the adults in their lives exist solely for meeting their needs, wants, wishes and desires. Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle has no depth, no feelings, no desires; she is a two dimensional character, she exists to help kids, to teach them and love them and that is all. I don't want to exist solely for other people. I am worth more than my use to other people, worth more than sacrificing and giving and supporting other people even if those people are kids. It isn't real, she isn't real. I can't be her and really, I don't want to be her anymore. I want to be me, even if that's messy and I don't know what to do all the time, I don't exist for my kids, I do have boundaries and limitations and wants and needs and my kids do get on my nerves and I don't want to be around children all of the time. I'm pretty burned out on children right now and I need to reserve my limited resources for my own kids right now. 

So, for now, I just want to be me, silly, shy, thoughtful and precocious, me.

New Justice of the Supreme Court Appointment

 It doesn't seem fair, but government isn't ruled by fair or equality, it is ruled by laws and appointing a JOSC is completely lawful

PS - This is an old post that I found unpublished. I published it because it matters.

Friends & Family

This post may resemble a previous post about friends and family but I've been thinking a lot about it and wanted to elaborate. We have families, I am lucky enough to have an amazingly supportive and respectful and kind family. Having a network of people around you helps support growth much like a webbing around a tree helps the tree grow strong, protects it against invading influences that would damage the tree's growth. Pests, rodents that would nibble away at the tree's strengths. A family provides a net that catches a child when she falls.

See Me

See me,

See my curves and my rolls,

See my voluptuous self,

See my soft spots

and jagged edges

points and lines

wide hips,

round belly

knobby knees.

See my scars,

my stretch marks,

lines where I grew,

so i am more now 

than I was.

Hold my hand,

link your arm in mine.

let us march forward together.

different, but the same.

united in purpose,

we wade

into the water,

into the surf,

it will pull us,

try to push us down,

drag us out.

but we will not be dragged by that undermining current,

we will save each other,

when you are weak,

i will be strong.

help me when I'm weak,

hold on to me tight,

so I don't get swept away.

For the strength and nourishment of our bodies

When I want,

When I lack,

Food nourishes me,

It soothes me

from the inside out

I feel safe and warm

like buttered bread.

When I am filled

With the soft density of it

I can handle what's next

Satiated and content

I am filled

I am ready

I am Enough

I am full,

I am emboldened,

I will survive

I can do more,

I can feel more

Food softens my edges

and makes life more bearable.

Do I belong?

Sometimes I want to stuff all of those feelings down

With sweets and fats and carbs

I want to smooth over the jagged edges with frosting

Maybe then they won’t hurt so much

Maybe if I coat everything in rich, luxurious frosting

I won’t feel the jagged edges

I won’t get hurt

I won’t cut myself on this terrain

Of my mind

If I numb it out

If I refuse to feel

Anything

Then i can’t feel the pain

 The loss

The insecurity

The wanting

The yearning for more.

Don’t yearn,

Don’t wonder,

Don’t think,

Don’t question.

Don’t think,

Don’t ask,

Just follow.

A crisis of my faith,

A crisis of my self.

I am growing out of this old self,

Molting my old self,

Emerging pink and new.

Exposed and vulnerable,

Shy and uncertain,

Will they like the new me?
Do I like the new me?

What am I for?
What am i foregoing?

And why?

And is that good?

I can’t just be told what to do anymore,

I long for the certainty i imagine others have,

Certain of their place,

Their role

Does everyone know their place but me?

Am i here?

Do i belong?

Will they have me?