Happiness has no size

 Happiness has no size

Happiness has no size

Happiness has no size

Happiness has no size

Happiness has no size

And once more for effect, 

Happiness has no size

I have gained weight. The only other time I had this many lbs on me, I was pregnant for the third time in two and a half years. I was chasing a two year old, a one year and had barely surfaced from my second bout of postpartum depression. 

What I'm saying is I deserved it! Of course I was bigger and fatter than I ever had been, I was supporting four lives with my one body!

This is how I discovered one small part of my fat phobia; I believed some people deserve to be fat. They're not really trying very hard to lose weight, they don't eat well, they don't exercise or they are housing another human body within their own. Those are the people that deserve to be fat.

People who don't deserve to be fat, well, they're skinny. They wake up early and exercise every morning, they don't eat carbs or fat or sugar. They eat plants and lean meats. They have stable blood sugar and thigh gaps and they're never tired because their body is running on clean energy.

I used to be one of those people, in reality, maybe I was just young. 

But now I'm fat and not young. 

But I am happy.

My body has kept time with my mind as I have grown. I've expanded and gotten squishier, softer, more pliable and loving, understanding and caring for ideas, for people, for differences. I used to be straight and unforgiving as a rail rod, thin and mean and prideful. All angles and cruel, swift justice.

Now, I'm soft and curvy; relaxed, even jiggly, but most of all happy. I am content. I am feeling more comfortable with my body, myself, my life, my choices. I am growing into myself, into my mind, my ideas and experiences. 

And I can see that there's space, there's space for everyone to grow into themselves. There's room for all of our minds and bodies and thoughts and feelings and experiences.

So I'm going to keep growing. I hope you do too.

On Book Bans

 Why I think banning books is the wrong move and what I think we should do instead.

Whenever I read about a book that has been banned, the first thing I do is Google it. I’m automatically intrigued. Why was this book banned? Do I agree or disagree with these reasons? Would I read this book? Would I let my kids read this book? In my opinion, the best way to raise interest in a book is to ban it.

Of course it’s important to screen books that children have access to. Allowing them to have unfettered access to books containing violence, abuse, sex, exploitation, and drug use is damaging and irresponsible. Books need to be thoughtfully vetted and evaluated. We need to ask questions like: Why are we using this book? What are we hoping children learn by interacting with this book? Is there another book that addresses the issue in a more age appropriate way? At what age are children mature enough to process the information in this book in a meaningful way? Who has access to this book? How can we best manage that access? Guidelines around and transparency about the contents of books is a win for everyone.

You really can’t judge a book by its cover. Dust jackets provide very little information about a book. Without any warning, you can easily fall into a book with content that you’re neither willing to nor able to interact with. As a survivor of abuse, I absolutely hate reading about sexual exploitation. It is so upsetting for me that it can take weeks for me to process the emotions that come up. Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t talk about sexual exploitation and other difficult topics like race, incest, abuse, drug use and violence. Our history is replete with these issues and trying to forget them is naive and will only encourage their continuation. It’s necessary we engage with these issues, but only when you’re ready, willing and able. It’s a question of consent, content warnings and ratings provide guidelines around the interactions people have with a book. If the content is disclosed ahead of time, you can know if it is the right fit for you and your circumstance or your child’s.

The Motion Picture Association of America does for movies, even previews are screened and rated for content. The Entertainment Software Rating Board provides rating categories for video games including E for Everyone, T for Teen, M for Mature among others. If we can agree on ratings and content warnings for movies and video games, then why can’t we do the same for books?

It makes sense to me to have child development experts, teachers and parents work together to create content warnings and maturity ratings for books. Instead of banning books, which only increases interest, let’s categorize books so we know what we’re getting into when we open one up.