bare naked

Sometimes people see me naked. Not in the just- got-out-of-the-shower-way; in the emotionally raw, intensely intimate way. Need strips away my inhibitions and I am left open, real and vulnerable. Social politeness is cast aside and I am exposed; my fears, my dreams, my feelings all laid out for everyone to see. I hope I am with people who know me well enough to realize this isn't how I always am, a tangle of emotions, fears and all-encompassing sadness. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am balanced and brave and in control. But often my thoughts run away with me and I am taken for a dangerous and scary ride. Who knows why these emotional storms beset me? Why I become languid, heavyhearted and weighed down by the sorrow? I don't. I don't know why. I can't figure it out but I can fight it. I fight against the tidal wave of sadness with everything I've got. Throwing medicine, supplements, therapy, doctors, family and friends at the rising swell of depression that threatens to engulf me. Elder Holland's General Conference address a few weeks ago has been a lifeline for me. Tossed out by a loving Heavenly Father. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng  Family and friends encourage me that I won't always be this way. My children will grow and flourish and one day will barely need me at all. My hormones will stabilize, my body won't be so wracked with this disease. But for now I hang on, I cling to the hope of a better day.

things are getting blurry

The other night I was driving home in the dark and the rain. I don't like driving in the dark because pregnancy makes my eyesight all blurry so between the dark and the rain and my fuzzy eyesight, it was a white-knuckled drive for me. The reflection of the lights on the road made it impossible to see the lines so I didn't have a clear idea of where I should be. I tried to follow other cars but I wasn't going fast enough; tentatively feeling out where the lines might be. I was frantically trying to catch up with other drivers as they sped along seemingly unaffected by the driving conditions that were causing me so much stress. To divert my mind, I thought about how my situation reflects my perspective on life. I feel really good when I know exactly what to expect, when I can see the road for miles around, I know where I am going and how to get there. But at night my vision is limited and I have to trust that there aren't any roadblocks ahead. I often feel as if I am careening off cliffs and on the verge of encountering unseen dangers. Not sure why but I always expect the worst in unknown situations. I also really like knowing what's expected of me. When I have solid standards of conduct, and I can tell when I'm doing a good job. But my life isn't like that, it's all kind of blurry. Some days I feel like I'm a great wife and mother, like when I get the girls both bathed and ready for bed on time. But most days I'm not sure what to expect and my life is kind of hectic and messy. I guess there's a beauty to the mess but to me it just seems scary and out of control. I better get used to it though because with baby number #3 on the way, it's about to get a whole lot messier around here.