Beautiful

Pain at not knowing myself, not understanding myself or not liking me. The Happiness Project "Be Gretchen" I need to "Be Chazlyn" but who is she? nobody knows. Am I like everybody else? Do I want to be? I used to think if I was prettier, if I did my makeup a certain way or had a thin, bronze body, if I could just sculpt my legs and tone my butt a little more. Then I would feel beautiful. But it doesn't work, this type of beauty is ever elusive. There will always be someone skinnier, tanner, more in shape. I will never win this contest. So I give up. I stop doing my hair, stop putting on makeup, who has time for that anyway? Not me, I have 3 small and very demanding beings depending on me all the time. So do I get a pass? I don't have to beautiful now, life isn't about being beautiful right now, it's about surviving each day with my house, my kids and my sanity intact. But is it ok to just survive? Will I look back at this time in my life and wish I had done more? Probably not. I'll probably look back and wonder how I did it. Maybe I'll just block it out like a bad and slightly embarrassing memory. I am so afraid of regret; I listen to people and their regrets and vow to not let those be my regrets. I will do it right, I will listen and gather information and do everything right and then nothing bad will happen to me or my family. I will protect them all from anything bad ever happening. But I can't, it's futile and the futility leaves me feeling helpless and worn out. Why bother? I vacillate between helplessness and zeal. Today I'm going to care, I'll wake up at 5:30 and exercise then come home and shower and do my hair and makeup and fit into my clothes. Then I'll cook a healthy and filling breakfast for my 3 littles. Then we will do engaging and developmentally appropriate activities from Pinterest. No one will eat between breakfast and lunch time. I will not walk on crumbs all day and find ants in my kitchen or spiders in my windowsills. All my children will nap at the same time allowing me to have some time to myself maybe to do some yoga or meditate. Then I will cook a delicious and impressive dinner from organic, free range, pesticide-free foods. We will all playfully enjoy each other's company until bedtime. I can't continue, it's too much of a sham. This never happens. Maybe one of those things will happen on any given day. It's like an allotment; either dinner will turn out great OR the kids will all nap at the same time (and of course I collapse in a heap on my bed as soon as they're quiet in their rooms, who wouldn't?) OR we do a fun craft OR the kids play nicely together. Man, I'm a mess. It's really hard for me to be a mess. My life is a mess. A sticky, fussy, kiss it better, read this story, I have to go potty MESS! And I feel like I'm drowning in it. Trying to be patient with my body, trying to be understanding that I only fit into yoga pants (that I never actually do yoga in) trying to feed my family well, work with a budget, read my scriptures, get enough sleep, exercise (I really hate CrossFit, it's so stinkin' hard and I'm always so sore!) I'm just so tired. And I deserve a rest. Good night.

Resources for mental health

http://metro.co.uk/2014/02/06/time-to-talk-day-shaking-off-the-stigma-of-mental-health-4265834/

Managing mental health can be a daunting task. With postpartum depression I believe your first line of defense should be getting help from family or friends. Taking time for yourself, getting sleep and getting breaks from your baby will do wonders for your health. Next, talking to your OB/GYN about your state of mind is a must. I think 6 weeks is WAY too long to go without seeing a doctor after having a baby. So much can happen in 6 weeks! Don't hesitate to call your OB/GYN if you are having dark thoughts or your anxiety is affecting your ability to sleep or take care of yourself and your baby. I recently talked to a mom who said she wished she had known she was struggling with postpartum depression sooner so she didn't have to suffer for so long without relief. She now starts anti-depressants while she's pregnant in anticipation of postpartum depression and has found it to be much more manageable. Sometimes just talking to other moms can be so helpful. Knowing you are not alone or a bad mom if you have dark thoughts or just feel stretched to your max by the demands of motherhood can be so reassuring. I find myself hanging out in the mothers room at church just to talk to other moms about how they are coping with a newborn.
After having Hazel, medication was enough to help me feel well again but after having Emma, I was really struggling and my OB/GYN recommended I see a Licensed Clinical Social Worker or LCSW. Talking to her helped immensely! It was like talking to a girlfriend who had training in how to help me talk back to my thoughts. She did what is called Cognitive Behavior Therapy or CBT with me. It is first being aware of thought processes and then making efforts to change those patterns of thought. Luckily she accepted my insurance as sessions can cost up to $200. When we moved to Utah I looked into seeing a psychiatrist to manage my medication because my depression and anxiety were still out of control even with the drugs my OB/GYN had prescribed. I soon found out it is incredibly difficult to see a psychiatrist. It was frustrating to find one that would accept my insurance and they are usually scheduled 6-8 weeks out if they are even accepting new patients. I spent a lot of time on my health insurance website scrolling through doctors and calling to try to get an appointment. If you don't have insurance, check with your County Health Department as there are government programs to help with mental illness. It's a lot of work but you really have to go to bat for yourself and your health. Or have someone advocate for your wellness, like a mom or a sister or a spouse. I strongly believe it was an answer to prayer that I finally found my psychiatrist. She is wonderful and has helped me so much. I'm lucky enough to have to only pay a $15 co-pay at each visit. I meet with her once a week to go over situations when my anxiety has been overwhelming and to analyze my thoughts and reactions to events. Generally, Licensed Clinical Social Workers and psychologists do Cognitive Behavior Therapy but do not prescribe medication, an OB/GYN can help with that. Or you can see a psychiatrist that can do CBT with you and manage your medication. It gets overwhelming, I know. But my husband reminds me if I had high blood pressure, I would take medication and alter my lifestyle to treat it. It's the same with mental illness, my brain doesn't function properly and I need to take medication and alter my lifestyle to manage it. I have found the more I talk to other people and the more I learn about the brain, the easier it is for me to take care of myself and to accept my mental illness.

Books for brain health:
Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Dr. Daniel Amen and pretty much anything by Dr. Amen. He's great at outlining the why of depression and anxiety and giving applicable practices for change. He maintains the perspective that we can mold and shape our brains to be more effective, happier and better functioning. He identifies different types of "Automatic Negative Thoughts or ANTS" that are common to people who struggle with anxiety and depression. Dr. Amen's perspective and resources have helped me feel validated in my struggles and have given me strategies to cope with anxiety and depression.
Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning
Honestly, I only read the first half of this book because there was so much information and so many exercises that it got a little overwhelming. The parts I did read helped me build my self-esteem and conquer my self-doubt. Reading this book also helped me identify my "Inner Critic" and dispute his claims.
One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskam
I haven't read this one yet but a friend recommended it and it's a New York Times bestseller. The author is a Christian, a wife, a mother and a blogger. Read her blog here. I look forward to reading it.

One last note, the effects of exercise on brain health are prevalent especially aerobic exercise as it increases blood flow and oxygen to the brain. I am trying to do more to be active, to enjoy my body and to be a good example to my children. If there are things that have helped you be happy and well please comment, I'd love to hear from you.