Beautiful

Pain at not knowing myself, not understanding myself or not liking me. The Happiness Project "Be Gretchen" I need to "Be Chazlyn" but who is she? nobody knows. Am I like everybody else? Do I want to be? I used to think if I was prettier, if I did my makeup a certain way or had a thin, bronze body, if I could just sculpt my legs and tone my butt a little more. Then I would feel beautiful. But it doesn't work, this type of beauty is ever elusive. There will always be someone skinnier, tanner, more in shape. I will never win this contest. So I give up. I stop doing my hair, stop putting on makeup, who has time for that anyway? Not me, I have 3 small and very demanding beings depending on me all the time. So do I get a pass? I don't have to beautiful now, life isn't about being beautiful right now, it's about surviving each day with my house, my kids and my sanity intact. But is it ok to just survive? Will I look back at this time in my life and wish I had done more? Probably not. I'll probably look back and wonder how I did it. Maybe I'll just block it out like a bad and slightly embarrassing memory. I am so afraid of regret; I listen to people and their regrets and vow to not let those be my regrets. I will do it right, I will listen and gather information and do everything right and then nothing bad will happen to me or my family. I will protect them all from anything bad ever happening. But I can't, it's futile and the futility leaves me feeling helpless and worn out. Why bother? I vacillate between helplessness and zeal. Today I'm going to care, I'll wake up at 5:30 and exercise then come home and shower and do my hair and makeup and fit into my clothes. Then I'll cook a healthy and filling breakfast for my 3 littles. Then we will do engaging and developmentally appropriate activities from Pinterest. No one will eat between breakfast and lunch time. I will not walk on crumbs all day and find ants in my kitchen or spiders in my windowsills. All my children will nap at the same time allowing me to have some time to myself maybe to do some yoga or meditate. Then I will cook a delicious and impressive dinner from organic, free range, pesticide-free foods. We will all playfully enjoy each other's company until bedtime. I can't continue, it's too much of a sham. This never happens. Maybe one of those things will happen on any given day. It's like an allotment; either dinner will turn out great OR the kids will all nap at the same time (and of course I collapse in a heap on my bed as soon as they're quiet in their rooms, who wouldn't?) OR we do a fun craft OR the kids play nicely together. Man, I'm a mess. It's really hard for me to be a mess. My life is a mess. A sticky, fussy, kiss it better, read this story, I have to go potty MESS! And I feel like I'm drowning in it. Trying to be patient with my body, trying to be understanding that I only fit into yoga pants (that I never actually do yoga in) trying to feed my family well, work with a budget, read my scriptures, get enough sleep, exercise (I really hate CrossFit, it's so stinkin' hard and I'm always so sore!) I'm just so tired. And I deserve a rest. Good night.