A Savior

 The realization that I cannot save people is both devastating and freeing. I feel every wound, I experience every hurt, I want to care for and heal, I want to make everything thing right in the world. I want to fix every injustice, right every wrong, carry the downtrodden, see those who feel invisible and heal the wounded. 

But I can't. Even if I devote every waking moment to easing the suffering of others, I can't save them, I can't offer redemption, it isn't in my power, sometimes I wish it was, I wish I could save you from suffering, be a buffer to protect you from the awfulness of the world. But I'm too weak. All I can do is see you in your suffering, sit with you in your pain and hold your hand while you heal.

Gods heal, I know because they heal me, over and over and over again, they heal my pain, my suffering, my broken heart. They heal me because they can, they allow me to break and heal again and again because that is how I grow. To know suffering is to grow and expand beyond it. 

So I will keep suffering and growing and becoming more like Them.

"Instead of explaining our suffering, God shares it" 

"Through our tears, we see the tears of God."

"It is said of God that no one can behold His face and live. I always thought this meant that no one could behold His splendor and live... Perhaps it meant that no one could see His sorrow and live."

-Wolterstorff

God is greater than the highs and lows

"It is Christ that is risen again, who maketh intercession for us. "

-Romans 8:34-39

Swimming

 Swimming in a light blue sea of sadness with no end in sight

Until, there is an end

The sun rises up and burns the sea of sadness away

Bright and cheerful, I'm happy and silly

Moods come and go, feelings are all there, they are all welcome because I know they won't stay long

Love pours forth

Love Pours forth 

Fruit springs from my loins

Love pours from my heart

I am a well spring

Ever flowing

With more and more love

Fixed upon my fount

Flowing love

From Gods

To Mother Eve

To me

This love flows through me

Crashing down

Washing over

Mixing and cleansing

Running

Soothing

Calming

Quenching

This love within me is never ending

An eternal spring 

Of love pours forth

It will never stop

Never dry up 

It is eternal, this love

Eternal and everlasting

One eternal round

It flows through me 

It pours from me 

Diluting the corrupt

Cleansing the dirty

Soothing the aches and pains

With love unfeigned

I don't have to even try

I just let it free

And it comes from me

From Gods

To Mother Eve

To me

And on to you

It will continue

Forever and always

Love that knows no limits or bounds

Eternal, saving love

The swell of love

Wipes away all fear

Crushes uncertainty

Annihilates doubt

Dissolves anger

Distributes itself in pools and eddies

Swirling around

Those I love

Protecting them

From evil

This love sanctifies

It purifies

It cleanses

God's love

Mother Eve's love

My love

It will never end

Express

 I want to write

 and write and write

And never stop

Filling the blank page

With my thoughts

With my ideas

My struggles

My fears

My anger,

My tears

If I keep it all

Inside of me

It swells and spreads

It's all encompassing

So I'll let it

Dribble out slowly

Letter by letter

Word by word

Line by line

Page by page

It will spill

And fill

The pages

So I can see

I can see me

Laid out

Spelled out

I recognize me

I will write 

And write

And write some more

Until I am empty

Until I am sore

I will drain it all out

My confusion

My stress

Once it's all out,

Then I can rest.

Pain

 I wish I could

Escape the pain

Of living,

Of dying,

And everything in between.

I run from it,

But the pain just chases me.

The faster I flee,

The faster it follows.

I refuse to see it,

I stay one step ahead,

It will never get me

If I never stop.

Never stop eating,

Never stop moving,

Never stop listening,

Or else

The pain,

It'll catch up.

And I will be caught,

Stuck, pinned down,

As the pain screams

In my face

And claws at my heart

I cannot bear it,

I have to look away,

I have to run,

But what is this life of running?

Why would I want to live this way?

Better to stop and face it,

Than to run my life away.

So I will look,

And I will see,

The pain in you,

And the pain in me.

I will stay.

Kill me if you must pain,

But I will not run away.

From this phantom

Of pain

It catches up quickly,

This gnawing pain.

I sit within

The hurricane of hurt.

I think it will kill me,

But I am still alive.

The pain has left

And I ache for it.

Feeling pain

Keeps me alive,

Keeps me alert,

For what I might miss,

For what will be taken,

See it, live it,

Be it now.

Trust in love to bind us,

To bind me to you,

And you to me.

We will survive.

This pain

Is fleeting,

Feel it,

And let it go.

My body

Calories in,

Calories out.

Whatever you do,

Don't get fat!

Suck it in,

Tuck it up,

Squeeze in the bad parts,

Puff out the good ones,

Be on display,

Everyone sees,

What your body looks like,

Is what it is

What you are,

I hate my body.

I love my body.

I need my body.

I'm ashamed of my body.

If only...

I would be so much happier if...

Mangled and tangled,

In all of this mess,

My feelings,

My fears,

Wrestling for space.

I hear you,

But I hear you too,

Confusion, contradiction,

What should I do?

I want to care,

But not too much,

I want to do,

But not too little.

Twisted and warped,

I need to sort this through.

How to have a healthy relationship

With my own body?

Your self

 Claim your body,

Claim your self,

Move intentionally

Through time and space.

Feel each muscle,

Flex and bend,

Exist

Here

And now

Walk uprightly

Stand tall

Hold your self

Confidently

You are yours

No one else's.

Say

"All of this,

It's mine!"

Mine to move,

Mine to jump

Mine to stretch

And shake and bend.

I feel it all

I move it all

I am my self to make.

Towers

 I sit in a tower,

Way up high,

I survey all the people

As they pass by.

I judge them,

I measure,

I criticize,

I cut people down 

To the exact right size.

I assume I know 

Why they act the way they do

Why they grumble and groan

And I think, I know you.

I know what you're thinking,

I know what you'd say

If you knew me at all,

You'd just go away.

So I point

And I scorn 

And I judge righteously,

And I assume that you think 

You're much better than me.

And the distance,

It grows between us each day,

As I sit in my tower 

And wither away.

What if I came down?

What if we're the same?

When we look around

All the people we see 

They're more alike than different

Can you be you?

And can I be me?

Is there room for us all 

In this wide, wide world?

I am a chameleon

I am a chameleon.

I change,

I shift,

I have many colors.

You may see my angry red,

My mellow yellow,

My golden head.

I thought I had to show you

All my colors 

All the time. 

But that's exhausting

I have so many colors inside of me 

Boiling, roilling, competing for a turn.

It's just too much for you to see.

So I'll keep my colors to myself

I'll show you the ones I want,

The ones I need, to be seen 

But you don't get them all 

Some colors I'll keep to myself 

shy and reserved,

I'll put my colors on a shelf.