Sunday, May 30, 2021

Novel

 I've wanted to write a book since I first learned to read. I love the written word and the thought of creating a world with my words made me giddy with excitement. I wrote many stories and books throughout school but after graduating from college I kind of set that dream aside and worked and worked and did responsible things, good things that have allowed me the luxury of writing now. So, here's the first chapter of a novel I've been writing for the last few months. If you would like to comment, please be complimentary and keep critiques short because I'm new to this and easily shy away from criticism.

Chapter 1

For the first time in 10 years Anna didn’t meet Sarah and Margaret at the corner. Sarah was confused, the three friends always waited for each other at the corner, even if it meant being late to class. Margaret, on the other hand was exasperated, 

"Sarah we've got to go! We can't be late to Mr. Oliver's class again!

We'll get detention!" Her breath puffing out in tiny clouds in the frigid

winter air.

 “I know, I know,” Sarah said dismissively as she peered at

Anna’s front door again checking for signs of movement;

her gaze wandered up the roof line to Anna’s bedroom window

and she saw the twitch of a curtain dropped back into place. 

“But where is she?” Sarah insisted, her brows furrowed in

confusion.

"Sar-ah! De-ten-tion!” Margaret wails, her breath coming out in two long bursts of steam

like a train whistle. 

Sarah glares again at the front door, willing Anna to appear but

finally she turns to Margaret with a growl, 

"Mr. Oliver is a grouchy old man, even when we're on time he

threatens to give us detention! He’s just mad because nobody

ever knows what he’s talking about. Atoms and all that nonsense!” Sarah mutters as she shakes her head

impatiently.

“Anna's probably just sick today, that's all,” Margaret reasons,

“we'll check on her after school, now let's go!" she pleads,

hugging her books to her chest to keep warm. 

“Oh all right.” Sarah grumbles, her worry over her missing friend

has made her more surly than ever. 

The two girls hurry off to school while Anna peeks at them again

from behind her bedroom curtains. Once they are out of sight

she slips downstairs. Her father and mother have already left to

open their grocery store downtown. Anna wraps a scarf around her

curly dark hair to keep the wind out of her ears and then she slips

out the back door. She’ll take the long way to school, she doesn’t

want to run into anyone else.


News of the bombing of Pearl Harbor and a declaration of war on Japan

had come almost simultaneously and Anna hadn’t felt up to the banter

and gossip of the morning walk with her girlfriends. The war in Europe

had been a constant presence in her home since Germany had invaded

Poland in September. Her parents had met in Poland, her father a young

American missionary, her mother barely 17 years old. When Michael

returned to Utah he had sent money for Tamir to join him. Although she

hadn’t been back to Poland since immigrating to America, Tamir still

kept in touch with her family and friends there. Each night Tamir listened

intently to the radio and each morning she spread fresh newspapers

across the breakfast table tracking the horrific expansion of the Third

Reich into her beloved country. Michael was sympathetic with the plight

of his wife’s people but he grew weary of her constant focus on the war

and the subsequent interruption of his dinner and relaxing evening.

Anna was curious about her mother’s family and who she had been

before she became Mrs. Michael Harbinger. It was odd to think that she

had a whole family she had never met. 


Anna approached the large, Gothic high school with trepidation.

The arched windows seemed to gape at her as she mounted the many

stone steps. She floated through the deserted halls like a ghost and

slipped silently to the window of Mr. Oliver’s classroom. She was

relieved that the teacher had his back to the classroom as usual.

Sarah was sitting on the far side of the classroom staring out the

window. Anna waved but Sarah continued to gaze out the window

longingly. Anna knew Sarah hated being stuck inside at school

even with a blizzard blowing outside she’d rather brave the blizzard

outside than remain in this dull classroom with Mr. Oliver droning

on for what felt like hours. Anna waved again trying to strike a balance

between exaggerated, obvious movement and nonchalance in case

Mr. Oliver or another teacher noticed her. This time Sam looked up

from the blank page he was supposed to be using to take notes.

He grinned and waved back at Anna. Anna smiled then pointed

towards Mr. Oliver and shook her head. Sam looked bewildered.

Luckily, Sarah noticed him staring at the classroom door and relief

flooded her face as she saw Anna.

Anna mouthed “I’m sorry,"then she pointed to the teacher. Sarah nodded then raised her

hand and said loudly, 

“Mr. Oliver, how do we know atoms exist if we can’t even see

them?” Mr. Oliver spun from the black board scanning the room

through his dark rimmed glasses angrily. 

“Wha..what! You...your blatant disregard for the basic building

blocks of this world is infuriating!” he sputtered. Then he whipped

around and continued to draw viciously on the black board

punctuating his drawings with the words elements and chemical reaction. Anna stole into the classroom and silently took her seat while the

teacher fumed. She stared blankly at the chalkboard as he

drew large, lopsided, intersecting circles and rambled on about

something called atomic theory. She watched the clock and leapt from her seat just as the bell rang. 

Anna burst out the door and was immediately swept up in the

crowd of students flooding the hallways. The cacophony of voices

was in stark contrast to the stillness in Mr. Oliver’s class; here

boys and girls were yelling and calling to each other as usual.

Anna starts toward her locker but the words Pearl Harbor stop

her in her tracks. She tunes in to what the boys are saying and

realizes that they are boasting about avenging the soldiers who

had been killed in Hawaii. 

Anna is dumbfounded, they want to fight? No, she exclaims silently, these boys can’t become soldiers, they are

my friends, I’ve known most of them my whole life! As she looks around in confusion, love and affection for each of these

boys fills her heart and her eyes smart with tears. Anna is

relieved to see Henry waiting for her at her locker but before

he can say hello another boy calls out, 

“How about you Henry? Are you going to be a sailor or a soldier?” 

“A sailor of course! That's where the fighting is.” Henry replies

readily. Anna’s shock twists into horror at Henry’s words.

“No! Henry!” She whispers as the crowd swells around him,

pulling him along with them down the hallway. Anna closes her locker and is surprised to see Sarah standing there glaring at her,

“Where were you this morning? We waited forever!”

Too fragile to joke or come up with a good excuse Anna murmurs, 

“I’m sorry, I...my mother needed me.” she ducks her head and

starts towards the door.

“Your mother would never stand for you being late for school”

Sarah protests as she rushes after Anna, her straight blonde

hair flying behind her.

“What’s really going on Anna?” Sarah asks as she hurries after

her friend. Before Anna can reply Margaret pops up at Anna’s

elbow. 

“We missed you this morning Anna, I thought you must be really

sick, you’ve never missed school before. I wanted to come check

on you but if I get detention my mother will have kittens!"

Sarah waves a hand towards Margaret, shushing her, and takes

Anna by the arm steering her towards the exit. 

“Let’s go outside, I can’t hear anything in here with all this ruckus”

mutters Sarah. A surprised Margaret hurries to follow the two girls  

Once the girls are away from the crowds of students Anna’s tears

begin to flow down her cheeks.

“Anna, what is it? What’s wrong?” Margaret asks, her blinking eyes

behind her glasses making her look like a worried owl.

“He...they...how can they want to go to war, don’t they know what

happens to soldiers in a war? How could they want to be soldiers?

and, and Henry, my Henry! He wants to go and fight and I just can’t believe it!” Anna rushes

out between hiccups.
“What do you mean Anna?” asks Margaret confused.
“It’s just that, war, it does things to people, it changes them, they

get all messed up inside from all that fighting and hate and they

get all hollowed out.”

“Oh Anna, that’s not true at all," Margaret says with a roll of her

large dark eyes, "Henry Forse has always been the sweetest

boy in town and no war is going to change that.”

“But what if...what if he doesn’t come back?” Anna’s voice

quavers, “or what if he does come back but he’s different.”

“Don’t worry Anna! Of course he’ll come back, they all will!

Our boys will beat those Japs silly and be home by Christmas.”

Sarah boasts. “I just wish I could go too, the boys get to have all

the fun!” she mutters. Sarah and Margaret turn back to the school

but Anna stands alone wondering how boys could so quickly

become vengeful soldiers.


Anna had cause to worry about the fate of her classmates, she had

heard stories about The Great War. Her uncle had fought in Germany,

she hadn’t known him before the war but she had a hard time imagining

the brittle shell of a man ever having been anything like her boisterous

father. Anna was equally fascinated and horrified by her uncle’s

catatonic state, the way he stared at nothing and mumbled to himself

nonsensically, jumped at the slightest sound and shivered and cried

unexpectedly. His body had come back from the war but his mind,

he must have lost that in Germany. What terrors had he seen that

had caused this horrible change in him Anna wondered? And how could

America so readily jump into another war?


Unable to concentrate at school, Anna headed home after her first

class. As she walked, she worried about Henry, he had always been

such a kind-hearted boy. When they were little Henry had nursed

sick and injured creatures back to health on the farm. It started

with birds but over the years he had learned enough about animals

that people all over town would call him up to ask about their

animal’s maladies. He was a regular veterinarian in practice and

was hoping to go to a university after graduation. He studied

animals, how they moved, what they ate and how they interacted

with each other and he knew plants that were toxic and plants that

were edible. He knew how to bandage a broken limb so it would

heal correctly and how to pull a calf when a cow was struggling,

how to keep newborn lambs warm in the early spring weather.

No, Henry could never become a soldier, a killer, no, he used

tools to heal and help animals.


Henry sees Anna standing still on the sidewalk and he furrows his

brow as she turns away from school and towards home. He knew

she had been late to school that morning and he wondered if she was

feeling ill. Anna has been his best friend since they were five years

old but she still surprises him. He remembers the first time he saw her.

He had been playing in the fields behind his house, searching for

injured field mice or rabbits, homeless from the plows used to churn

the dark brown earth. He loved Spring, the birds and animals and

insects and green plants, everything so happy to be alive again

after a long winter sleep. He gathered the sweet spring air into his

lungs and strode towards a haystack. No injured animals here but,

a girl? a real life girl lay sleeping in the hay! Her dark eyelashes

lying on her sweet round cheeks. She’s the most beautiful thing

I’ve ever seen, he thinks to himself. Her sleepy breath comes out in happy puffs

between her perfect rose bud lips. Henry wonders if she’s a princess

and if she will sleep forever. He hears a woman calling in the distance,

he recognizes the distress rising in the woman’s voice so he slips

away from the sleeping girl and goes to the woman. She has the same

dark hair and warm brown skin as the girl.

Henry motions to the woman to follow him. Then he turns and

slips through the rows of cut hay to the now sacred spot where

the girl is sleeping. Tamir’s breath catches at the ethereal scene,

her daughter nestled against a swath of golden hay.

Her dark curls and warm brown skin make everything look

golden and warm. “Sweet like honey” Henry remembers.

He jogs over to where Anna is standing but he is intercepted

by another group of boys.


avoidance and acceptance

I have avoided social media for years. I was afraid of the damaging effects of comparing myself to others, especially my faults to other peoples self proclaimed virtues. So I hid in my house with my babies, isolated myself in the fear of not being enough like them, pretty enough, smart enough, busy enough, fit enough, just not enough. I felt that I was not enough for myself and definitely not enough for other people. But in my isolation I created my own monsters, instead of comparing myself to actual people with actual lives and actual challenges, I compared myself to imaginary people, demons of my own making designed to shame me and shadow my life with not enoughness. I thought I was safe from comparison, the thief of joy, but I was enslaved by my own construct of the embodiment of perfection. But it was a counterfeit and when I started to see the inconsistencies within this charade, I challenged the imposter. I realized I don’t know anyone who is like that all of the time. When other women took their masks off I felt I really saw them in their insecurities, frustrations and complaints, in their sins and weaknesses, in their realness, so much like me in their messy, everyday lives. Suddenly, the imaginary walls I had built around these women were dismantled brick by brick when I spoke with them. When they shared their actual lives, it freed me from filling in their lives with glowing pictures of success. Sure, everyone experiences success to some degree, fulfillment and progress, contentment and satisfaction, but I learned I was not alone in the struggle, discomfort, embarrassment, shame, error and suffering that comes with being a human. I saw each woman’s life not only as a beautiful expression of art, of wonder, of love and fulfillment, but also of frustration, of inadequacies, of remodeling and budgets and disagreements and I realized it was more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.

Christ my savior

I stare into the unfathomable depth of suffering, injustice, pain and anguish of God’s children and I marvel at the power that Christ has to wade through the wickedness and darkness, blackness so deep and complete no other being could penetrate it. I have been down there, down in that abyss. Hopeless, lost and afraid, but for Christ I would remain there, experiencing torment so great I would choose any death to end the pain. The end to that darkness is out of reach of my mortal arms but Christ brings it to me, a gift of redemption and love.