Excuse This House

Some houses try to hide the fact that children shelter there.
Ours boasts of it quite openly, the signs are everywhere.

For smears are on the window, little smudges on the doors.
I should apologize I guess for toys strewn on the floor.

But I sat down with the children and we laughed and played and read.
And if the doorbell doesn't shine, their eyes will shine instead.

For when at times I'm forced to choose the one job or the other,
I want to be a housewife, but first I'll be a mother.

~Unknown

My mom gave me this quote about a year ago and I read it everyday. I helps me keep perspective, I hope it does the same for you.

You're not a bad mom

I recently got together with some friends for a play date. While our kids ran around outside we sat in the shade and swapped stories about parenthood. I love hearing about the antics of other people's kids, it helps me feel normal when my kids do seemingly odd and often infuriating things. Pretty soon the kids were milling around looking for a snack. I hadn't brought anything because I am anti-snack, but one of the ladies had brought a sack full of oranges and a knife and a plate to slice them with. Talk about forethought! Not only a healthy snack but also all the tools necessary to deliver it in a kid-friendly form. While the kids were grabbing orange slices and making cute little orange smiles, her youngest son got into her bag and pulled out a whole orange and the knife. He sat down and proceeded to saw away on the orange in an attempt to cut a few slices for himself. Now, in case you haven't had the fine opportunity to see a toddler with a knife, let me paint the picture for you. There is something terrifying about seeing a sweet, small person with a knife that always looks gigantic in that chubby little hand. He could have gotten a hold of a paring knife and it would look like he was wielding a machete. When she noticed the knife in his hand she exclaimed "I'm a bad mom!"
Just like that all her efforts to provide a fun and social experience for her kids and to nourish their bodies with good food all went down the drain. Because her son had almost hurt himself, she was a bad mom.
I wrote this post to reassure her, myself, and pretty much every mom ever that you are not a bad mom. To me, being a mom means trying really hard to do my best and asking for forgiveness when I mess up. Whenever I'm getting down on myself about not being a good mom, I try to think of what I really want from my mom. I don't want her to protect me from everything or do everything for me, mostly I just want her to look at me and listen to my ideas and laugh and cry with me when I need her. I think we all know how important it is to be a good parent and I believe that all parents love their children and want to provide for them. So the next time the thought "I'm a bad mom" springs to mind, counter it by thinking of all the things you do big and small everyday that make you a great mom because there are plenty.

Status update

I can safely say I am no longer a depressed person. Anxiety still rears it's ugly head in my life, but I am learning to identify it and disarm it quickly. Plus I've attributed some of my heightened awareness to having 3 small children and all that that entails.
My kids are still coughing with what I hope is either allergies or just a harmless lingering symptom of their latest cold. I am trying a gluten-free diet for the next 30 days to test for gluten sensitivity. I'm a little ashamed to admit I've jumped on the gluten bandwagon. I used to just shake my head at this new trend; but I've done a lot of research and talked to a few people who are gluten-free and many of my present health concerns are outlined in gluten-intolerance information. So, I'll try it. I've been a vegan, a vegetarian, I've avoided dairy whenever possible, so why not try eliminating gluten right? (I just want to throw in a disclaimer here that I do eat, a lot! I just eat a lot of fruits, vegetables, meat and other whole grains, just not wheat.) And I still occasionally eat at McDonalds, don't judge, I know you eat there too.
I've also been more disciplined about getting daily exercise and sunshine. My vitamin D levels are low which can cause fatigue and depression, two things I am well acquainted with, and being out in the sun helps me feel alive and healthy verses feeling sick and tired when I lay on the couch in my robe.
There seems to always be a heaping pile of laundry on the floor in my room (it's usually clean, sometimes mixed, but a quick sniff is all it takes to sort it out). I love my husband and my kids and all my crazy relatives. I love the Lord and believe The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is His church. I sometimes wonder why God lets bad things happen and I often feel scared of the things that could go wrong in my own life. I'm trying to understand God and His plan for me.
Anxiety and depression can both make a person second-guess their thoughts, their spirituality and their judgment. I still struggle with separating mother's intuition, guidance from the Holy Ghost and just plain paranoia. Anxiety is often about control and the delusion that certain behaviors, or thoughts, can increase control over the environment and that other thoughts or behaviors decrease one's control over the environment. It's hard to draw the line around what is realistically in my control and what isn't in my control. Small children especially test these boundaries because often diligent supervision really does prevent negative events. My one year old is constantly putting things in his drooly, toothless mouth. And no matter how many times I go through the toys and sweep the floor and lecture my toddlers about leaving their small things out, he still manages to find small objects to put in his mouth. Sometimes I feel like giving up. I tell my husband that there's no way this baby will ever live to adulthood! But my heightened diligence will hopefully pay off and he won't choke on anything and he will live to be a happy, healthy adult. After that he's on his own!
My husband and I often fantasize about how independent our children will one day be; washing their own hands and faces, getting themselves bathed and dressed. I know there will be things about this phase of life that I will miss but I look forward to getting to know my kids as they discover themselves and develop more and more and to having more time to myself to explore my own talents and abilities.

Your past is just a story

I read this quote recently and it was very comforting to me. This perspective helps me separate my present self from things that I have gone through in the past. My past is not me, it shapes me in some ways but mostly I feel bigger than my past; taller, stronger and more than I was. Having gone through three bouts of postpartum depression, I can now say with a huge sigh of relief that I am well again. Tim gave me a priesthood blessing a few years ago wherein I was promised I would soon be well and better than I'd ever been. At the time I was scared of this pronouncement, scared of the pressure of getting better and being better than I'd ever been. I had no idea how I was going to make that happen. I could barely function let alone work out my mental health issues. Now I know, I didn't make it happen. I essentially held on and put my trust in God. He made me better, stronger, more than I was. People around me were His hands in serving me and my children, my husband.
It is with huge relief and a sense of accomplishment that I can now say I am well. I am strong and happy, sometimes giddy with happiness at my wonderful life. I am healthy, my children are well and happy, my husband is loving and good, I am surrounded by wonderful people. All of my needs are met and most of my wants as well. I feel fulfilled and content in my roles as mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend. I just wanted to reassure all who read my blog that I am not still struggling in the ways I often write about. I am more than postpartum depression and more than mental illness and if you or someone you know is suffering from one or both of these issues, take courage! You too can be better than you've ever been.