I wanted to be

 I wanted to be Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle. I was enchanted with how kind and magical she was and how much the children adored her and how she always knew how to solve problems. She made everyone feel special and seen and heard and knew just what to do to in sticky situations. I wanted to be loved and adored like Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle and I really enjoyed introducing my kids to these books that I loved as a kid and really, the role model I had for becoming a teacher of young children. 

But, tonight, as I was listening to Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle with my daughter for the hundredth time, I realized, I can't be Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle because she isn't a real person. Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle never gets angry or frustrated or upset, she's always cheerful and kind, she doesn't let anything bother her, she's exactly the kind of person a kid would want to be around because she's made up, she isn't real, she's based on a fantasy of what children would think the perfect adult would look like and that's the problem, children don't really know what it's like to be an adult, they only know what it's like to be a kid and they imagine that the adults in their lives exist solely for meeting their needs, wants, wishes and desires. Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle has no depth, no feelings, no desires; she is a two dimensional character, she exists to help kids, to teach them and love them and that is all. I don't want to exist solely for other people. I am worth more than my use to other people, worth more than sacrificing and giving and supporting other people even if those people are kids. It isn't real, she isn't real. I can't be her and really, I don't want to be her anymore. I want to be me, even if that's messy and I don't know what to do all the time, I don't exist for my kids, I do have boundaries and limitations and wants and needs and my kids do get on my nerves and I don't want to be around children all of the time. I'm pretty burned out on children right now and I need to reserve my limited resources for my own kids right now. 

So, for now, I just want to be me, silly, shy, thoughtful and precocious, me.