Pain

Most of us would do anything to avoid pain. We go to great lengths to stay away from pain and to end it as soon as it begins. I think it's human nature. We want to be safe, to survive and thrive so we naturally avoid painful situations, emotions, and even shy away from painful memories or events. But I think it is in seeing our pain, looking at it head-on that we gain an understanding of pain, perhaps how to avoid it next time but more importantly, how to recognize when it is gone. My therapist tells me often "It's only a feeling and you're entitled to your feelings." It's ok to feel shy, overwhelmed, angry, irritated, tired. In fact, it's healthy. Feeling pain whether from betrayal, misunderstandings, loneliness, pride, regret; it is expected and even beneficial. Not only should I expect to go through painful experiences, I can grow and become more from them. I fight off feeling tired, stave off my frustrations, grit my teeth and want to scream sometimes but it takes so much work to push against those emotions. I'm trying to allow myself to just feel them. It's ok to get exasperated when trying to dress a twisting, turning baby; in fact, it's normal, it's a healthy reaction. You don't get into right and wrong until you consider actions: it is ok to feel frustration, to take a break or clap my hands or stomp my feet, it is not ok to throw said baby out the window (don't worry, I haven't done that). Too often, at the end of a trying day I brainstorm ways to make tomorrow better: I should have done the dishes earlier so the kitchen wouldn't get out of control or I should organize the babies' toys better so they don't end up all over the house or I should have folded laundry instead of taking a nap when the babies were sleeping because now I don't have any clean underwear. Often I analyze and synthesize and theorize on ways to avoid pain: embarrassment, loneliness, fatigue. But, some pain is a part of life. I do pretty well to protect myself and my family from unnecessary pain and try to embrace and learn from the painful experiences I do have. It's normal and healthy to feel lonely/exhausted/lost/overwhelmed. In fact, it's just healthy to feel. Feeling lonely reminds me of what great friends and family I have. I appreciate them more because I know what it's like to not see them. I rejoice in a well-prepared meal because I know what it's like to have everything burn. One day I will sleep in as late as I want because no one will be yelling MOM-MA! from their crib. I will embrace the pain of motherhood, of having 2 small beings depend on me for everything, of being a wife and enjoying the small moments I get to share snuggling with my husband as he falls asleep after a long day at work and wishing I could see more of the one person I've chosen to spend time with. Don't get me wrong, I am not asking for help, support, anything really. I see a real need for people to connect in meaningful ways and to be open and honest about life, it's ups and especially it's downs because everybody has downs and that's ok.