My Story

My dear friend Sophia Fogt has a blog dedicated to understanding and treating postpartum depression and anxiety. She has great ideas and relates her story very well. She asked if I would do a guest post on her blog telling of my struggles with postpartum depression. I gladly obliged, this is the link to her blog.

path to the light

ps-sorry for the typos, it was written in a rush of emotions

bare naked

Sometimes people see me naked. Not in the just- got-out-of-the-shower-way; in the emotionally raw, intensely intimate way. Need strips away my inhibitions and I am left open, real and vulnerable. Social politeness is cast aside and I am exposed; my fears, my dreams, my feelings all laid out for everyone to see. I hope I am with people who know me well enough to realize this isn't how I always am, a tangle of emotions, fears and all-encompassing sadness. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am balanced and brave and in control. But often my thoughts run away with me and I am taken for a dangerous and scary ride. Who knows why these emotional storms beset me? Why I become languid, heavyhearted and weighed down by the sorrow? I don't. I don't know why. I can't figure it out but I can fight it. I fight against the tidal wave of sadness with everything I've got. Throwing medicine, supplements, therapy, doctors, family and friends at the rising swell of depression that threatens to engulf me. Elder Holland's General Conference address a few weeks ago has been a lifeline for me. Tossed out by a loving Heavenly Father. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng  Family and friends encourage me that I won't always be this way. My children will grow and flourish and one day will barely need me at all. My hormones will stabilize, my body won't be so wracked with this disease. But for now I hang on, I cling to the hope of a better day.

things are getting blurry

The other night I was driving home in the dark and the rain. I don't like driving in the dark because pregnancy makes my eyesight all blurry so between the dark and the rain and my fuzzy eyesight, it was a white-knuckled drive for me. The reflection of the lights on the road made it impossible to see the lines so I didn't have a clear idea of where I should be. I tried to follow other cars but I wasn't going fast enough; tentatively feeling out where the lines might be. I was frantically trying to catch up with other drivers as they sped along seemingly unaffected by the driving conditions that were causing me so much stress. To divert my mind, I thought about how my situation reflects my perspective on life. I feel really good when I know exactly what to expect, when I can see the road for miles around, I know where I am going and how to get there. But at night my vision is limited and I have to trust that there aren't any roadblocks ahead. I often feel as if I am careening off cliffs and on the verge of encountering unseen dangers. Not sure why but I always expect the worst in unknown situations. I also really like knowing what's expected of me. When I have solid standards of conduct, and I can tell when I'm doing a good job. But my life isn't like that, it's all kind of blurry. Some days I feel like I'm a great wife and mother, like when I get the girls both bathed and ready for bed on time. But most days I'm not sure what to expect and my life is kind of hectic and messy. I guess there's a beauty to the mess but to me it just seems scary and out of control. I better get used to it though because with baby number #3 on the way, it's about to get a whole lot messier around here.

pressure

Some would say that peer pressure can be good or bad. I disagree. Pressure to act in a way that is uncomfortable to you is, in my opinion, always bad. Pressure to conform or be like the group despite how you may feel about a situation seems false and dangerous. Everyone has a moral compass which points them in the right direction and following that direction yields self-confidence, and perhaps a quiet sense of self and usually points towards self-preservation. Why would you doubt that? An inborn sense of right and wrong or more specifically of what one should do is deeply personal and failing to follow that directive only results in disappointment, discomfort and discouragement. How you feel when you are true to yourself will always trump how you feel when you have succumbed to the will of others. I know as parents we sometimes employ "positive peer pressure" in helping to steer our children in the right direction. Surrounding them with people who we hope they will one day emulate. Now, I think there is a fine line between encouraging your child to become their very best self, fostering a feeling of integrity and forcing them to behave a certain way or risk isolation, alienation and loss. I fervently hope to encourage my children to nurture their own sense of what's best for them as an individual instead of encouraging them to look outside of themselves and judge their actions by what other people are doing. Whether influencing a person for good or bad, this influence, when encouraged can lead to self-doubt, disappointment, and a false sense of identity. Because what other people are doing will always change. You will never be able to keep up with the Jones' because there will always be something bigger and better to chase. I want my children to know themselves and I want to know myself as well. We as adults are not immune to the pressures of others. I strongly believe the path to changing behavior is paved with encouragement, support and love. We shouldn't try to force others into behaving a particular way, we should seek out people who enjoy the same things we enjoy and revel in our shared interests or respect our differences. Tonight I watched a movie that has received much praise but after watching it I am left feeling sweaty, uncomfortable, overstimulated and worn out. I wish I had used the last 2 hours of my life to do something that would leave me feeling refreshed and relaxed instead I trying to decompress from all the violence and intensity I just experienced. I watched it because other people had liked it and recommended it but I would like to harden my resolve to only watch and/or participate in activities that are actually appealing to me in and of themselves barring any recommendations or at least taking into consideration things I actually enjoy. I'm not saying no one should watch this movie and I'm not passing judgment on those who enjoyed it but I had a feeling I wouldn't like and decided to risk it in the hopes that I would be wrong. In the future, I hope to be more true to myself and use my limited amount of leisure time in activities that leave me feeling relaxed and refreshed.

settling in

Many changes have taken place in my life over the past few months and I'm happy to say I am finally settling in. We recently moved to Billings after living in Great Falls for 8 years. We were in the process of building a house in a lovely neighborhood when we found out we were expecting again. Quite unexpectedly! Facing the years ahead of having 3 babies under the age of 3, we knew something had to change. I've had life-threatening postpartum depression after each of my babies and anticipate it will be even worse this time around. So Tim & I decided to move our small family to Utah to be closer to the support & love of my parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts & uncles as well as our many friends who have migrated here over the years. We are now living in my parent's home in Kaysville and look forward to spending a lot of time with friends and family.

connections

I've been thinking about this post for a few days but haven't really gotten to flesh it out yet so sorry if it doesn't make much sense, "roughewn" right?

I believe humanity is recognizing yourself in others. Making a connection to someone else can be powerful, poignant, and honest. I connect with others through music, art, writing. I see myself reflected back or what I would like to be or become. I would like to be bold and self-assured like my sisters, kind like my husband, outgoing like my mom, eloquent like my brother, calm like my dad. I hear my song on another's lips, feel the beat of my heart in music and see myself in art; everything is filtered through self . Eyes watching, ears hearing, body moving. Striving to emulate good traits in others. Deep connections make us who we are. However, the opportunities for shallow connections abound in social media . Don't get me wrong, casual acquaintances are fun and necessary but I also need solid, real-life friends who can see me for who I am and really know me, My thoughts, aspirations, disappointments and dreams. I find these deep connections reassuring. I like to discuss ideas and opinions but with just a few true friends; too many and I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes our culture encourages us to collect friends like stamps, the more you have the better you are, popularity being a contest someone can win. I like to make friends who help me become myself, Who help me express myself not because of the money I will make or the acclaim I will receive but because I want to connect in real and meaningful ways to other human beings. sometimes I get caught up in wondering if I have good ideas or not, if my thoughts are worthy of a blog post or of being recorded in a book but I doubt that is what motivated Aristotle or Michelangelo or Einstein to do the things they did. Great minds do what they do for self expression and that's outside of prestige or recognition. They did what they did because it needed to be done that's why I want to write because I feel some things need to be said and I want to give others the opportunity to connect with me with my ideas, thoughts, feelings because that connection can be so meaningful and rewarding it's why we create; to say here am I, see me, are you like me? are you different?

McDonalds

If you haven't heard Jim Gaffigan's stand up routine Mr. Universe, open a new tab on your web browser and watch it right now. It's hilarious and will make you laugh out loud. My favorite part is when he talks about McDonalds and the shame we associate with eating at McDonalds. We all know that kind of food is bad for us, you've probably even seen some documentary with horrific footage of the animals used to make McDonald's food, I know I have. And yet, they stay in business. Well, this post isn't a tirade against fast food, it's a call to self reflection and acceptance of others. As Jim points out (of course we're on a first name basis, he's one of my many parenting coaches) we all have a McDonald's, something we know we should be better at or shouldn't do but we do it all the same. In the workout regime, P90X, Tony Horton refers to difficult moves as "what I currently struggle with" and never "what I can't do." I have found these two mindsets to be incredibly enlightening. Everybody's bad at something, something big, something small, something embarrassing, something they don't do well and wish they could do better at. I struggle with mental illness, it's my McDonald's. When I go to my psychiatrist's office, I try not to make eye contact with anybody, try to be covert like maybe I'm a functioning adult after all and I just wandered in here on accident looking for a heart-attack inducing cheese burger. Because there are still so many unknowns about mental illness and it's effects on people's lives. That is why I decided to write this post. To "come out of the closet" essentially. Post-partum depression is my McDonld's. It's what I "currently struggle with." But I'm coming to realize we all have something. My grandpa always says "every saint has a story." It isn't shameful to struggle with an issue, it isn't demeaning or even uncommon to not be good at everything. My mom always admonishes me, "you can't be perfect yet, I'm not ready for you to go to heaven." I think in a Christian culture we often get the message to be like Christ, essentially to be perfect. Well I think that is an incorrect interpretation of what God really wants for us. He wants us to become like Him. Russel M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints, gave this message entitled "perfection pending" in 1995. I don't remember who brought it to my attention but I will be forever grateful to that person because I feel this is an answer to a problem I have struggled with for a long time. And realizing that no one expects me to be perfect, that it's normal and even good for me to have my McDonald's has been incredibly liberating. Now it seems so simple, of course I'm not good at everything and pretending to be only brings shame, dishonesty and isolation. I really do want to have it all together, I thrive on order and predictability and feeling like I do a "good job." My love language might be "words of affirmation," because I love hearing or feeling like I did something right I was dependable, reliable, organized, prepared, efficient, I proved myself that I'm worthy to be your friend, to be her teacher or his mother, like I'm worth something, I matter. And I think we all want to matter. Everybody wants to know they matter to somebody. That somebody feels their absence and longs for their return. In the 2004 movie about Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon, they learn being married means having a witness, a witness to your life, your big moments as well as your day to day happenings. This rings true to me, being in any relationship means you are seen for who you are, for real, the good, the bad and the in between. Someone knows me, really knows me. And you can't really know someone until you know their McDonald's. My therapist has helped me realize that in a relationship we are vulnerable and it is through that vulnerability that we build trust. Giving someone the opportunity to ridicule you and having them respond with love builds lasting bonds between people. As I struggle to manage my post-partum depression and make new friends in a new place and build a house and be a wife and mother to my family, it's a relief to acknowledge that I'm not good at everything, in fact I really stink at some things and that's ok and even healthy, that everybody needs you to cut them some slack so they'll understand when it's your turn and that being real and raw with people often builds wonderful relationships. The squeals from the girls' rooms are my signal that nap time is over and so is my alone time. This is a long, tangle of a post but that's why my blog is entitled "roughewn." I would like to return to this idea and develop some more thoughts I have. I'd also like your input, what's your McDonald's? What helps you remember to accept other people? and to accept yourself? The student in me will include an unofficial works cited here:
Jim Gaffigan McDonald's http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YDTfEhChgw
P90X http://www.beachbody.com/product/fitness_programs/p90x.do
"Perfection Pending" by Russel M. Nelson  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3QtkeYoKeE
Shall We Dance http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0358135/