autumn

Stunning sunlight
cool crisp air
dazzling colors
everywhere
leaves are crunching
babies squealing
running through swirls of red and yellow
orange and blue
autumn is everywhere

swede

impossibly small
delicately made
tiny toes
rosebud lips
dark fuzzy hair
sleepy squeaks
unbelievably vulnerable and delicate
welcome to our family Swede Catherine

happiness

When depression overwhelms me, I want to fling the feelings away, splatter droplets of sorrow all around me. Melancholy pours out of me like a river damned only by the passing of time. I'm frightened of drowning in the deluge and think to warn others to seek higher ground before they are inundated with the seemingly endless flow of sadness that surrounds me.
But when I find happiness I want to hold it close, savoring the feeling, breathing it in, embracing the joy, wrapping myself in warmth and light. I relish the sensation and roll around in it, bliss soothing my battered soul.
Ebbing and flowing, my emotions are changing. The darkness is no longer so menacing, tamed by prescription drugs, therapy and love. The light is more powerful and pervasive, my strength and self-confidence blossoming in the warmth of loved ones.
I thank  you for your supportive comments. I cherish your words of praise and encouragement. I am writing a memoir but it will remain a skeleton until my time is my own again. I am so grateful to those who have offered words of comfort and cheer. I hope my fight offers insight, fosters understanding and compassion for all who read it. I am delighted that I seem to be emerging from the storm. I don't know if it will rage again after Hyrum arrives, but if it does I will weather it one final time with courage and support from those around me.

My Story

My dear friend Sophia Fogt has a blog dedicated to understanding and treating postpartum depression and anxiety. She has great ideas and relates her story very well. She asked if I would do a guest post on her blog telling of my struggles with postpartum depression. I gladly obliged, this is the link to her blog.

path to the light

ps-sorry for the typos, it was written in a rush of emotions

bare naked

Sometimes people see me naked. Not in the just- got-out-of-the-shower-way; in the emotionally raw, intensely intimate way. Need strips away my inhibitions and I am left open, real and vulnerable. Social politeness is cast aside and I am exposed; my fears, my dreams, my feelings all laid out for everyone to see. I hope I am with people who know me well enough to realize this isn't how I always am, a tangle of emotions, fears and all-encompassing sadness. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am balanced and brave and in control. But often my thoughts run away with me and I am taken for a dangerous and scary ride. Who knows why these emotional storms beset me? Why I become languid, heavyhearted and weighed down by the sorrow? I don't. I don't know why. I can't figure it out but I can fight it. I fight against the tidal wave of sadness with everything I've got. Throwing medicine, supplements, therapy, doctors, family and friends at the rising swell of depression that threatens to engulf me. Elder Holland's General Conference address a few weeks ago has been a lifeline for me. Tossed out by a loving Heavenly Father. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng  Family and friends encourage me that I won't always be this way. My children will grow and flourish and one day will barely need me at all. My hormones will stabilize, my body won't be so wracked with this disease. But for now I hang on, I cling to the hope of a better day.

things are getting blurry

The other night I was driving home in the dark and the rain. I don't like driving in the dark because pregnancy makes my eyesight all blurry so between the dark and the rain and my fuzzy eyesight, it was a white-knuckled drive for me. The reflection of the lights on the road made it impossible to see the lines so I didn't have a clear idea of where I should be. I tried to follow other cars but I wasn't going fast enough; tentatively feeling out where the lines might be. I was frantically trying to catch up with other drivers as they sped along seemingly unaffected by the driving conditions that were causing me so much stress. To divert my mind, I thought about how my situation reflects my perspective on life. I feel really good when I know exactly what to expect, when I can see the road for miles around, I know where I am going and how to get there. But at night my vision is limited and I have to trust that there aren't any roadblocks ahead. I often feel as if I am careening off cliffs and on the verge of encountering unseen dangers. Not sure why but I always expect the worst in unknown situations. I also really like knowing what's expected of me. When I have solid standards of conduct, and I can tell when I'm doing a good job. But my life isn't like that, it's all kind of blurry. Some days I feel like I'm a great wife and mother, like when I get the girls both bathed and ready for bed on time. But most days I'm not sure what to expect and my life is kind of hectic and messy. I guess there's a beauty to the mess but to me it just seems scary and out of control. I better get used to it though because with baby number #3 on the way, it's about to get a whole lot messier around here.

pressure

Some would say that peer pressure can be good or bad. I disagree. Pressure to act in a way that is uncomfortable to you is, in my opinion, always bad. Pressure to conform or be like the group despite how you may feel about a situation seems false and dangerous. Everyone has a moral compass which points them in the right direction and following that direction yields self-confidence, and perhaps a quiet sense of self and usually points towards self-preservation. Why would you doubt that? An inborn sense of right and wrong or more specifically of what one should do is deeply personal and failing to follow that directive only results in disappointment, discomfort and discouragement. How you feel when you are true to yourself will always trump how you feel when you have succumbed to the will of others. I know as parents we sometimes employ "positive peer pressure" in helping to steer our children in the right direction. Surrounding them with people who we hope they will one day emulate. Now, I think there is a fine line between encouraging your child to become their very best self, fostering a feeling of integrity and forcing them to behave a certain way or risk isolation, alienation and loss. I fervently hope to encourage my children to nurture their own sense of what's best for them as an individual instead of encouraging them to look outside of themselves and judge their actions by what other people are doing. Whether influencing a person for good or bad, this influence, when encouraged can lead to self-doubt, disappointment, and a false sense of identity. Because what other people are doing will always change. You will never be able to keep up with the Jones' because there will always be something bigger and better to chase. I want my children to know themselves and I want to know myself as well. We as adults are not immune to the pressures of others. I strongly believe the path to changing behavior is paved with encouragement, support and love. We shouldn't try to force others into behaving a particular way, we should seek out people who enjoy the same things we enjoy and revel in our shared interests or respect our differences. Tonight I watched a movie that has received much praise but after watching it I am left feeling sweaty, uncomfortable, overstimulated and worn out. I wish I had used the last 2 hours of my life to do something that would leave me feeling refreshed and relaxed instead I trying to decompress from all the violence and intensity I just experienced. I watched it because other people had liked it and recommended it but I would like to harden my resolve to only watch and/or participate in activities that are actually appealing to me in and of themselves barring any recommendations or at least taking into consideration things I actually enjoy. I'm not saying no one should watch this movie and I'm not passing judgment on those who enjoyed it but I had a feeling I wouldn't like and decided to risk it in the hopes that I would be wrong. In the future, I hope to be more true to myself and use my limited amount of leisure time in activities that leave me feeling relaxed and refreshed.