I Love

I'm noticing my blog is a lot about my struggles and frustrations with motherhood and in an effort to obtain equilibre, I wanted to post some of the things I love about being a mommy to my two girls.
I love...
gummy grins in the morning,
being greeted by shrieks of delight,
sweet snuggles,
kissing chubby cheeks,
being bowled over by a toddler hug,
sisters giggling in the backseat,
singing "Once there was a snowman" every night,
kissing teeny, tiny toes
a look of concentration on such a small person's face,
and being their one and only mommy.

Vanquishing the Beast

I AM VICTORIOUS! My home is in order for possibly the first time in months. The floors are swept AND vacuumed, all surfaces are dust-free, my counter tops are gleaming and the toys are all neatly tucked away on shelves. Although, even as I type this I scan the room and see wilted florescent balloons left over from a party last week that most certainly do not belong in my living room. Sigh. Does anyone else feel like they are waging a war against some evil force within their abode that maliciously and consistently spews out clutter, dirt and dust? Sometimes my efforts seem comical, like trying to keep a boat afloat that has sprung numerous leaks, but I am happy to say that through sheer determination and pressing circumstances, my house is now CLEAN.
A plus of trying desperately to sell our house and move is that we often get calls from Realtors requesting a walk-through with prospective buyers. We usually know a day in advance but there's nothing like a last minute call to get us motivated and focused on getting our house in Better Homes and Gardens condition. After all, if we can make these people love our house, we can move and be together as a family again and I no longer have to function as a single parent of small children.
So we got a call asking if some people could come by in about an hour and a half. Luckily both girls were still resting so Tim and I started tidying the house, it wasn't that bad. But the more tidying we did the more we saw how much cleaning needed to be done. So we kicked it into overdrive and dusted, scrubbed, wiped, and cleared kitchen, family room, 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Whew! I knew we were getting a little stressed when I got after Tim for scrubbing a sink I had previously cleaned and he shut down my attempts to vacuum. We pulled out of the driveway, both babies in tow, exactly 1 minute before the prospective home-buyers were to arrive. After congratulating ourselves on a job adequately done, I resolved to do some deeper cleaning when we returned so we could be more prepared for the next time. Although I am currently enjoying my clean home, I anxiously look forward to settling into our next home and enjoying our privacy and cleaning at a more leisurely pace.

Pokemon

For those of you who aren't familiar with Pokemon, they are Japanese anime characters with special powers. If you are so inclined, you can find out more about them from Wikipedia here. Because video games often require a lot of spatial awareness, of which I have very little, I'm not really familiar with the Pokemon franchise itself but I do know the point of a Pokemon game is to collect a certain number of pocket monsters who each have distinct special powers. Collecting a unique array of these Pokemon helps you complete a specific task.
My interest in Pokemon was piqued while watching an episode of 30 Rock. Jack is explaining to Liz that he is much happier divorced than he was married. He says he realized he was expecting too much of one woman; that there isn't one woman who has all the traits, characteristics, experience, etc. that he needs. Jack feels he is better off having a different woman for each of his distinct interests. He has a woman he takes to black tie events, a woman who is informed about politics, a woman he takes to visit his mother, a different woman to fulfill each of his unique needs. Of course, I disagree with this principle as it applies to romantic relationships, I am very happily married to one amazing man, but I agree with Jack when it comes to friendships. I'm realizing I was erroneously expecting to have all of my emotional, spiritual, intellectual and creative needs fulfilled from just a handful of people. I would actually get jealous when I heard of their escapades with other friends! I don't have other friends, why should they? Am I not enough? Well, the answer to that is yes, I'm not enough friend for any one person. Instead of expecting to be able to do everything that interests me with a select 4 or 5 people, I'm realizing I will be much happier if I Pokemon friends. Find a person who shares my interest in politics, find another who shares my affinity for reading, another who sews, one who blogs, one who enjoys Zumba, the possibilities are endless. This sounds so simplistic as I type it but it really has been a game changer in my relationships lately. In the past I have felt let down by people who weren't exactly like me in every way. Like I really could only be friends with myself and everyone else was a compromise. But I am now realizing that there are many facets of my life and it is very realistic and healthy to find and cultivate relationships with others who share a specific interest. She may not be a voracious reader like me but maybe she has an incredible green thumb. He might not want to watch educational documentaries on Netflix but he has great ideas about current events. How wonderfully unique and special each person is and what an opportunity I have in meeting more people to see what common interests or ideas we share and how I can learn from their experiences. I think the value in friendship is seeing a small part of yourself reflected back in another person. (Emphasis on small, there's no one else like me.)

equilibre

I just finished reading Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman and I'm pretty sure I was born in the wrong country; I'm really a french woman at heart. I share the french affinity for pastries, gourmet meals, looking fashionable, and eating whole foods. After reading this book, I've realized I also parent like the french. According to Druckerman, the french believe children should be limited by a very strict set of rules the "cadre" or frame of morals, obligations and courtesies of society, but within this framework children can enjoy abundant freedoms. I also respect children as little people, much like Dr. Seuss I believe "a person's a person no matter how small" and that the easiest way to teach children respect is to be respectful of them. This doesn't mean that I give in to my children's every whim. The french expect children will do betises or small acts of naughtiness, which don't necessarily warrant punishment. Also french parents don't give in to a child's caprice or impulsive demands, tears and whining.
What I am struggling with is finding the equilibre or balance that french parents seem to be able to obtain. Not letting any one aspect of life--including parenthood--overwhelm the rest. How do I parent 2 babies, support my husband in his career, keep our home clean, the laundry done, cook nutritious meals and still manage to write, exercise, and shower everyday? I'm NOT looking for sympathy, I know moms that soothingly tell me I don't have to do all those things, it's ok to stay in my sweats all day every day for the next 10 years. But letting myself be a slouchy mess is not how I envisioned motherhood. Learning about how the french parent has encouraged me to take care of myself as well as I take care of my babies. I may not have an amazing creche (a full-time French day care center complete with a gourmet chef, a college-educated staff and weekly visits from a pediatrician) but I do have supportive and helpful family and friends to help me achieve this equilibre between being a mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, writer and a sane person.

we're clan people

my therapist recently pointed out that humans have always lived in groups: clans, families, villages, societies, gangs, etc. she reassured me that we need each other, we always have and most likely always will. as individuals we need to be with other people. I have been blessed to have an amazing extended family that has always been very supportive, kind, encouraging and just everything you'd ever want from cousins, aunts & uncles, grandmas & grandpas, parents and siblings. i didn't realize how much i relied on them until i moved 500 miles away. now my husband and i are all alone without any of that support. no one to have sunday dinner with, no one to call when we get locked out of the house, no one to visit us when we get sick, no one. so i asked my therapist if i would be happier, healthier, more complete and well if i lived closer to my extended family. she said either that or cultivate those types of relationships where you live. i'm realizing that everybody needs somebody they can call in the middle of the night for help and that somebody doesn't have to be a blood relative. i thought it would be imposing to call upon a friend in a time of need because friends are for fun, family is for hard times. and i think it probably used to be that way but now that people move for jobs and school and finances and just because they want to, it's getting less and less common to live in the same town you were born in or even in the same state as your parents. but we are not getting more independent. it's not as if we no longer need the support a family gives, we're just recreating those relationships in other ways. i used to not understand and even criticize people who were friends with their coworkers. i didn't understand the desire some people have to hang out or socialize outside of work. i barely knew my coworkers and i already had my support group thank you. i didn't need anyone else because i have a whole gaggle of peeps in my hometown that think i am amazing and would do anything for me. well, that's great unless you need someone right here right now. so i'm realizing everybody needs relationships with people who are like them and people who aren't. i have some good friends who are just like me in a lot of ways and i'm starting to see the value in having friends who aren't like me, who maybe are in a different phase of life than i am so they can offer some perspective on my day to day disappointments, some who help me branch out and try new things, maybe even some who bug me sometimes. it's important to interact, socialize, compromise and have experiences with other people and to build relationships with lots of people. my mom used to always tell me there's enough love to go around, you don't have to be stingy with it. and i am, i'm kind of a love-snob. but i'm thinking it would be good for me and for my family to work on cultivating the same types of relationships i enjoy with my family members, in people that live closer to us. i've noticed in television shows like Parks and Recreation or The Office that there is a lot of interaction between characters  that remind me of a family. further reflecting the idea that having those types of relationships are important. not to say that family is not important but again, i think we thrive on relationships and if our family members don't live close enough to support us in our day to day lives, it's important to have friends who will. everybody needs a gregarious aunt in their life, a kind sister, a silly brother, and a concerned grandma. when we aren't close enough to lean on each other, we can find those roles in the people around us. such a comforting thought.

it takes a village

sometimes i resent getting help from others. i have lived far away from my family throughout most of my adult life (not their fault at all, they are all awesome) and i am realizing i have been limiting myself by not accepting or allowing help from others. i have thought that by accepting help from others i will somehow negate the love or care or concern my family has for me. or that it is unfair or that i am not being loyal to my family if i accept service or kindness from other people. serving was something you did to people who didn't have strong, supportive extended families and i had one so i was good, i didn't need anything else and i didn't want anyone to worry about me. i would even cringe when our bishop would ask how we were doing because i knew he had so many people to worry about, i didn't want him to think he had to worry about us too. we're fine, always fine, never worry, never wonder, just assume we're fine. we'll, sometimes we're not fine and that's normal and healthy and to be expected. sometimes i need to be rescued just like everybody else and that doesn't make me weak or inferior or unrighteous, just human. i am realizing to embrace my humanity and  relish in the love and service that can come from others when you really just need help to make it through the day. and realizing that everybody gets there. everyone has or will see that point in their life when they realize the value and importance of having real, loving people around them. i am thankful for all the real, loving people in my life, near and far, who have helped me stay sane, safe, and happy. i seriously wouldn't be here without all of you.

What Women Want

All I want from life is to be a gourmet chef, dress like a supermodel (look like a supermodel), live in a home featured in Pottery Barn, exercise and eat well, have a sizzling romance with my hubby, educate my children and keep them happy and safe and if they someday win the Pulitzer or something equally prestigious, that would be just gravy. Also, I want to be kind and serve others, study my scriptures and understand eternal truths. I never want to get mad or yell at my husband or my kids, and my nails should be perfectly manicured all the time. Wow, that sure sounds boring huh?
If I was this pseudo-woman, I'm not sure what I would do all day. I'd be like the Stepford Wives, all functional and perfectly robotic. Who wants that? Maybe there is happiness in a messy, mixed-up existence. Right now I'm sitting in my parent's house typing on my laptop that, thanks to certain chubby baby fingers, is missing numerous keys, causing me to stamp my pinkie every time I type a P. whew! That's a workout. My pinkie will be as big as my thumb by the time I finish this post. I have a slight headache because I probably didn't drink enough water today. I have spit-up on my shirt and my pants, my makeup is running under my eyes and my mom's house looks like I brought 3 dressers worth of clothes with me and just threw them with reckless abandon. The l key appears to not be working either! Life is exhausting!