Well

I am doing well. So well in fact I've started to wonder if I might be able to have even more kids. But then reality sets in, Emma poops on the floor or Hazel pulls Hyrum out of his bassinet and plops him on the floor, and all I can say is I'm happy we all survived today! But I do want to give hope to all of you who have struggled with postpartum depression or just struggled to be a good mom. It gets easier. Or maybe we just get better at this mom thing.
With my first baby, my depression came on quickly and was very intense. I had thoughts of hurting myself and disturbing images and ideas about hurting my baby. I didn't trust myself to be alone with her and I couldn't stop crying. All this was quickly remedied by a visit to my OB. She sympathetically listened to me describe my psychosis and promptly prescribed an antidepressant, Sertraline (Zoloft). She reassured me that postpartum depression is very common and very treatable and it does not mean I don't love my baby or I won't be a good mom. I kept in close contact with her over the next few months and upped my dose once or twice. When we found out we were pregnant again, I was ecstatic! I doted on my sweet baby girl so much, I couldn't believe I was lucky enough to have another adorable baby to love. My pregnancy and delivery were a breeze and all was well until she was about 3 months old. Then I started to collapse. My husband was traveling for work, my hormones were a mess and I had two babies to care for. Another trip to my OB and more Sertraline helped stabilize me. I also started seeing a therapist which was immensely helpful. I highly recommend therapy, I have really enjoyed having someone who I'm not worried about damaging our relationship, she already knows I'm kinda crazy so no worries there, and an outside perspective is so reassuring. Therapy is very expensive so if you don't have insurance or not very good insurance, I suggest finding a very understanding and very forgiving friend who will listen to and keep all your secrets, it is so cathartic. After another relapse in December, I went down to Utah to stay with my parents for a few months. Buspar, an anti-anxiety medication prescribed by my OB helped keep me calm and quelled some of my paranoia. I also started taking more Sertraline. I finally saw a psychiatrist in Billings who diagnosed me with Bipolar Type II as well as postpartum depression and prescribed Risperidone, an anti-psychotic. I was finally able to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, what a relief! When we moved to Utah I had to find a new psychiatrist which was a monumental task and a new therapist which was tricky but doable. I'll post again about that process because it can be daunting.
Sorry for so much back story but I really want to be transparent about where I've been and what has helped me through this whirlwind.
I was so very nervous that I would be right back where I started and that there was nothing I could do about it. But I'm here to tell you there's so much you can do! After my third baby I only had a few sad days where I was on the verge of tears for hours or couldn't find the energy to get out of my robe. I think I just experienced the "baby blues" that most moms have after giving birth. Don't get me wrong, the first 8 weeks were really rough but rough as in "I'm so tired I feel sick to my stomach" rough not "I want to kill myself" rough.
So here are some things that helped me:
Medication--don't be afraid of it, if you had high blood pressure you would take medication for it. Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain that medication can correct. Taking medication can actually help your brain to heal itself.
Exercise--I cannot tell you how much moving, especially outside, has helped elevate my mood and increase my confidence. I'm currently trying out CrossFit with my hubby but I also enjoy Zumba, swimming, riding my bike, jumping on the tramp and just taking my kids for walks around the neighborhood.
The Gospel--I know Jesus Christ is our savior, that he suffered not only for our sins but also our hardships so he can perfectly relate, understand, and heal us. I've received many powerful priesthood blessings from my husband and my stepdad. I study the gospel everyday, without fail, no matter how tired or busy I am because I NEED it so desperately. I need to feel the Holy Ghost and I need to feel God's love everyday.
Support--I have had so much help from my parents, my siblings, my husband, my ward and my friends. Do not underestimate people, they can be so uplifting and encouraging and reassuring if they know you're having a hard time. I am lucky enough to be living with my parents right now, in the ward I grew up in, so I've had past girls camp leaders, young women leaders, and neighbors reach out to me and offer babysitting, meals,visits, and endless encouragement. No one expects you to do this alone. Realize when you need help and ask for it.
So, I'm doing well. My kids still stay in their pajamas most the time and I'm still packing too much pregnancy weight but I'm doing well.

autumn

Stunning sunlight
cool crisp air
dazzling colors
everywhere
leaves are crunching
babies squealing
running through swirls of red and yellow
orange and blue
autumn is everywhere

swede

impossibly small
delicately made
tiny toes
rosebud lips
dark fuzzy hair
sleepy squeaks
unbelievably vulnerable and delicate
welcome to our family Swede Catherine

happiness

When depression overwhelms me, I want to fling the feelings away, splatter droplets of sorrow all around me. Melancholy pours out of me like a river damned only by the passing of time. I'm frightened of drowning in the deluge and think to warn others to seek higher ground before they are inundated with the seemingly endless flow of sadness that surrounds me.
But when I find happiness I want to hold it close, savoring the feeling, breathing it in, embracing the joy, wrapping myself in warmth and light. I relish the sensation and roll around in it, bliss soothing my battered soul.
Ebbing and flowing, my emotions are changing. The darkness is no longer so menacing, tamed by prescription drugs, therapy and love. The light is more powerful and pervasive, my strength and self-confidence blossoming in the warmth of loved ones.
I thank  you for your supportive comments. I cherish your words of praise and encouragement. I am writing a memoir but it will remain a skeleton until my time is my own again. I am so grateful to those who have offered words of comfort and cheer. I hope my fight offers insight, fosters understanding and compassion for all who read it. I am delighted that I seem to be emerging from the storm. I don't know if it will rage again after Hyrum arrives, but if it does I will weather it one final time with courage and support from those around me.

My Story

My dear friend Sophia Fogt has a blog dedicated to understanding and treating postpartum depression and anxiety. She has great ideas and relates her story very well. She asked if I would do a guest post on her blog telling of my struggles with postpartum depression. I gladly obliged, this is the link to her blog.

path to the light

ps-sorry for the typos, it was written in a rush of emotions

bare naked

Sometimes people see me naked. Not in the just- got-out-of-the-shower-way; in the emotionally raw, intensely intimate way. Need strips away my inhibitions and I am left open, real and vulnerable. Social politeness is cast aside and I am exposed; my fears, my dreams, my feelings all laid out for everyone to see. I hope I am with people who know me well enough to realize this isn't how I always am, a tangle of emotions, fears and all-encompassing sadness. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am balanced and brave and in control. But often my thoughts run away with me and I am taken for a dangerous and scary ride. Who knows why these emotional storms beset me? Why I become languid, heavyhearted and weighed down by the sorrow? I don't. I don't know why. I can't figure it out but I can fight it. I fight against the tidal wave of sadness with everything I've got. Throwing medicine, supplements, therapy, doctors, family and friends at the rising swell of depression that threatens to engulf me. Elder Holland's General Conference address a few weeks ago has been a lifeline for me. Tossed out by a loving Heavenly Father. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng  Family and friends encourage me that I won't always be this way. My children will grow and flourish and one day will barely need me at all. My hormones will stabilize, my body won't be so wracked with this disease. But for now I hang on, I cling to the hope of a better day.

things are getting blurry

The other night I was driving home in the dark and the rain. I don't like driving in the dark because pregnancy makes my eyesight all blurry so between the dark and the rain and my fuzzy eyesight, it was a white-knuckled drive for me. The reflection of the lights on the road made it impossible to see the lines so I didn't have a clear idea of where I should be. I tried to follow other cars but I wasn't going fast enough; tentatively feeling out where the lines might be. I was frantically trying to catch up with other drivers as they sped along seemingly unaffected by the driving conditions that were causing me so much stress. To divert my mind, I thought about how my situation reflects my perspective on life. I feel really good when I know exactly what to expect, when I can see the road for miles around, I know where I am going and how to get there. But at night my vision is limited and I have to trust that there aren't any roadblocks ahead. I often feel as if I am careening off cliffs and on the verge of encountering unseen dangers. Not sure why but I always expect the worst in unknown situations. I also really like knowing what's expected of me. When I have solid standards of conduct, and I can tell when I'm doing a good job. But my life isn't like that, it's all kind of blurry. Some days I feel like I'm a great wife and mother, like when I get the girls both bathed and ready for bed on time. But most days I'm not sure what to expect and my life is kind of hectic and messy. I guess there's a beauty to the mess but to me it just seems scary and out of control. I better get used to it though because with baby number #3 on the way, it's about to get a whole lot messier around here.