Well

I am doing well. So well in fact I've started to wonder if I might be able to have even more kids. But then reality sets in, Emma poops on the floor or Hazel pulls Hyrum out of his bassinet and plops him on the floor, and all I can say is I'm happy we all survived today! But I do want to give hope to all of you who have struggled with postpartum depression or just struggled to be a good mom. It gets easier. Or maybe we just get better at this mom thing.
With my first baby, my depression came on quickly and was very intense. I had thoughts of hurting myself and disturbing images and ideas about hurting my baby. I didn't trust myself to be alone with her and I couldn't stop crying. All this was quickly remedied by a visit to my OB. She sympathetically listened to me describe my psychosis and promptly prescribed an antidepressant, Sertraline (Zoloft). She reassured me that postpartum depression is very common and very treatable and it does not mean I don't love my baby or I won't be a good mom. I kept in close contact with her over the next few months and upped my dose once or twice. When we found out we were pregnant again, I was ecstatic! I doted on my sweet baby girl so much, I couldn't believe I was lucky enough to have another adorable baby to love. My pregnancy and delivery were a breeze and all was well until she was about 3 months old. Then I started to collapse. My husband was traveling for work, my hormones were a mess and I had two babies to care for. Another trip to my OB and more Sertraline helped stabilize me. I also started seeing a therapist which was immensely helpful. I highly recommend therapy, I have really enjoyed having someone who I'm not worried about damaging our relationship, she already knows I'm kinda crazy so no worries there, and an outside perspective is so reassuring. Therapy is very expensive so if you don't have insurance or not very good insurance, I suggest finding a very understanding and very forgiving friend who will listen to and keep all your secrets, it is so cathartic. After another relapse in December, I went down to Utah to stay with my parents for a few months. Buspar, an anti-anxiety medication prescribed by my OB helped keep me calm and quelled some of my paranoia. I also started taking more Sertraline. I finally saw a psychiatrist in Billings who diagnosed me with Bipolar Type II as well as postpartum depression and prescribed Risperidone, an anti-psychotic. I was finally able to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, what a relief! When we moved to Utah I had to find a new psychiatrist which was a monumental task and a new therapist which was tricky but doable. I'll post again about that process because it can be daunting.
Sorry for so much back story but I really want to be transparent about where I've been and what has helped me through this whirlwind.
I was so very nervous that I would be right back where I started and that there was nothing I could do about it. But I'm here to tell you there's so much you can do! After my third baby I only had a few sad days where I was on the verge of tears for hours or couldn't find the energy to get out of my robe. I think I just experienced the "baby blues" that most moms have after giving birth. Don't get me wrong, the first 8 weeks were really rough but rough as in "I'm so tired I feel sick to my stomach" rough not "I want to kill myself" rough.
So here are some things that helped me:
Medication--don't be afraid of it, if you had high blood pressure you would take medication for it. Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain that medication can correct. Taking medication can actually help your brain to heal itself.
Exercise--I cannot tell you how much moving, especially outside, has helped elevate my mood and increase my confidence. I'm currently trying out CrossFit with my hubby but I also enjoy Zumba, swimming, riding my bike, jumping on the tramp and just taking my kids for walks around the neighborhood.
The Gospel--I know Jesus Christ is our savior, that he suffered not only for our sins but also our hardships so he can perfectly relate, understand, and heal us. I've received many powerful priesthood blessings from my husband and my stepdad. I study the gospel everyday, without fail, no matter how tired or busy I am because I NEED it so desperately. I need to feel the Holy Ghost and I need to feel God's love everyday.
Support--I have had so much help from my parents, my siblings, my husband, my ward and my friends. Do not underestimate people, they can be so uplifting and encouraging and reassuring if they know you're having a hard time. I am lucky enough to be living with my parents right now, in the ward I grew up in, so I've had past girls camp leaders, young women leaders, and neighbors reach out to me and offer babysitting, meals,visits, and endless encouragement. No one expects you to do this alone. Realize when you need help and ask for it.
So, I'm doing well. My kids still stay in their pajamas most the time and I'm still packing too much pregnancy weight but I'm doing well.