Picture Perfect

my life has gotten very messy. I used to feel that I had it all together, but 2 babies in 2 years, a husband who travels for work, living far from family, and belonging to a very involved church all equals a very busy, messy life for me. The only problem is I thrive on order, on predictability and control. I can identify with Kate Gosselin and her down-spiraling life, a Type A mother of 8 small children would be exhausting. I read in her book, pre-Dancing With the Stars and all Hollywood drama, that she wanted to parent a certain way and she didn't think it mattered whether she had 1 kid or 100. I can be a high-strung, great expectations, I-can't-believe-you-would-wear-that-in-public thinking girl. As a kid, my mom was always telling me to relax, enjoy life, take a risk, have fun. But my idea of fun was perfection. Perfection in a dress, perfection in a date, perfection in what I said and who I was with. I've been chasing this Perfection all my life. It's just so damn elusive. I had a mental breakdown after my first baby was born. (most women do in some form or another) I was broken. For the first time in my life I realized Perfection was not attainable. I was devastated. What was the purpose of life if not to become perfect? To never say anything stupid or mean and to always choose the right, to get straight A's and remember everyone's birthday and never lose my temper. This is what I was striving for and when it all came crashing down around me, I was mad. So, so mad. I felt God had set me up. Had sent me to earth and taught me to strive for this perfection and I was never going to make it. I would never be good enough, smart enough, strong enough. I would always be lacking in one area or another. Even my accomplishments were slippery; I might be really good about reading my scriptures for a whole month but then the baby would start teething and I would lose the habit. I felt my efforts were all in vain. I would never be perfect, I couldn't be perfect so why even try? It was especially crushing that I felt so inadequate to be a mother. I had been groomed and prepped and taught that being a mother would be the full measure of my creation, everything led up to bringing spirits into the world to have bodies and experience mortality. To teaching them the gospel and cultivating their testimonies of Christ by singing Primary songs to them and having meaningful Family Home Evenings where we told Old Testament stories with felt characters. But this screaming banshee of a baby was a far cry (literally) from any of my expectations of motherhood. She was so needy and so insistent with the crying and I never knew if she was hungry or tired or mad or dying! I felt like such a failure. And I was so mad at the Lord for setting me up. He knew I couldn't do this! He knew this would be so hard for me and He asked me to do it anyway. So, although I was steaming mad, I felt I really had no other choice but to ask for His help. He had sent me this squalling little bundle after all and I knew He wanted me to take care of her.
I just want to segue for a moment: I love, love, LOVE my babies. Both of them. I literally want to eat them up they are so adorable and fun and precious and the most perfect baby girls EVER! But you probably already know that, everybody talks about how much they love their kids, how wonderful they are, kids really can be a joy, you are so incredibly proud of them and I don't think you love anyone else so unconditionally, even your spouse. But nobody talks about all the hard stuff, the late nights, the midnight runs to Wal-Mart, the desperation you feel as a new parent (or maybe just as a parent in general). At least no one talked to me about it before I had kids. Maybe they did and I just didn't listen. I remember talking to my cousin's husband before I had kids. He said having kids is like getting the chicken pocks, it's going to happen sooner or later, you may as well get it over with. So, at the risk of sounding incredibly negative, I am choosing to highlight or perhaps elucidate the challenges of being a parent. A good parent that is, anybody can be a crappy parent, it's easy, the news is full of ideas on how to screw your kids up. Anyways, back to how I crawled out of that deep, dark hole I found myself in after my daughter was born.
So, not only had I looked forward to this day my entire life, but I also believe being a mother is one of the most important responsibilities I will ever have, ever, like forever, ever. It's a partnership with God and has everlasting consequences and lots of other incredibly overwhelming ideas. So here I am, a new mom, recovering from the traumatic experience of having something that was inside of me come outside of me, dealing with these feelings of inadequacy as hormones rage within me. Hardest time of my life. I really hope it stays that way too.
You may be wondering what helped? How did I make it through without hurting myself or my very vulnerable baby? Is there a light at the end of this long, gloomy tunnel? I don't know. Time, medication, my mom living with me for a few weeks, bolstering my confidence as a mommy (she's a great mommy so I just did whatever she told me to do) lots of praying and crying and sleepless nights. Talking to other moms and realizing they had had similar experiences was my solace. Even if I was going crazy, at least I wasn't going alone. It is very normal for a new mom to feel inadequate, isolated, defeated. I think especially for a Latter-day Saint mom who sees other amazing moms that seem to be able to do all this so effortlessly. I'm here to tell you it isn't effortless, it is effort-full! (You really can make any 2 words one if you use a hyphen). And anyone who tells you differently is lying through their teeth! If someone seems to be great at everything, you probably just don't know them very well. And if you ever need a strong dose of reality, I'm happy to oblige. I've made it a personal goal to blog every day, there, I said it/typed it so I really have to do it now. Wish me luck! Till tomorrow,
Chazlyn