Family
a noun
A father, a mother and their children, living together, in one house.
I like having a plan,
A path laid down for me,
Expectations, events and next steps included.
Paths take me from where I am
to where I need to be.
A clear route from here to there.
Stepping stones worn smooth
by thousands of people
who have gone this way before,
with the promise of thousands more to come.
I believe families
to be the most important thing.
I believe that no matter what,
if you had your family,
you would be okay,
you would make it to the end of this life
whole and complete,
ready for the next phase.
This assurance
was my armor
against disappointment, uncertainty and doubts
I knew I could handle
embarrassment, disappointment or frustration
as long as I was surrounded by my family.
All around me I saw families moving through predetermined phases:
Phase 1– Young mother, young father, 3+ chubby babies, poor but happy together in a small apartment
Phase 2 – Young mother, young father, elementary aged children, this phase is punctuated by many hours spent in a minivan driving to and from a starter home to practices and events.
Phase 3 – Middle aged mother, middle aged father, teenagers (can make exceptions for a younger sibling but uncommon at this phase) voracious eaters typical. A bigger home with space for gatherings.
Phase 4 – Over the hill mother, over the hill father, young adult children who come home from college for Sunday dinners, holidays and summer vacation. Children begin to display respect and appreciation for parents. The house is now remodeled, repaired and/or otherwise updated.
Phase 5 – Graying mother, balding father, young adult children married with babies, first one adorable, impossibly tiny baby, then two or three drooling toddlers, then 10 or 12 elementary kids, culminating with 18-20 grandchildren including some teenagers.
Phase 6 – Aging mother, aging father, adult children, grandchildren leaving on missions and getting married, this phase is punctuated with summer reunions and sprawling pictures of all three generations sunburned and smiling.
Phase 7 – Siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles come together to honor first the passing of the patriarch of the family, then the passing of the matriarch of the family. Gatherings are punctuated by questions like "How are we related?” Second cousins twice removed (what does that even mean?)
The continuation of these phases
has been the focus of my life.
Each generation shares their stories,
Lives recorded in genealogy records.
From sepia wedding portraits
to fuzzy Polaroids.
Rolls of film dropped off,
don't forget to request duplicates
So I can share
and pass around
These stories of me.
Phases stretch on and on into eternity,
One unbroken chain.
No empty seats at the temple,
Each of us is linked to the other.
No loners, no outliers, no one missing or lost.
Certainly no divorce or separation, no missing pieces, no loose ends,
Each person lovingly woven into
The tapestry of
Family
But what about when it's not?
Not really like that,
When there are disruptions,
Untimely divorces,
Sudden deaths,
Unmarried uncles,
Addiction and heartbreak,
Family secrets,
Relationships broken, trust lost.
Estrangements
and isolation.
Not only a break of hearts,
A break of tradition,
A break in expectations,
In patterns of behavior,
In roles we each play.
We are supposed to be this way,
look this way, act this way.
If we're not,
If we don't,
are we even a family?
Rigid standards, roles and expectations
Lay the path
to disappointment, disillusionment and confusion.
Questions of
How many kids in your family?
Where do your parents live?
Are you and your siblings close?
Well, how much time do you have?
Let me get my poster board and my marker
to map out
my family tree.
Because, it's complicated.
My family doesn't follow
The basic blueprint
that's been projected, expected and enforced
on families for decades, centuries, millennia.
And I'm both parts
Proud and Ashamed
of my broken family.
With its starts and stops.
The dangling branches,
The forks and angles
and dizzying degrees
of complications,
of faces, experiences and places
we've lived.
People we've loved
and lost
and found.
We're a mess
of branches
Scattered,
Gathered,
Grafted.
We're together
even when we're apart.
I am a part of them
and they are a part of me.
My one big, sprawling, noisy, confusing
Family.
