Barbie

When I was a girl playing with Barbie made me excited to get big, full boobs and wide hips and long legs and luscious hair. Well, that didn't happen. I broke my big toe in Junior High and when the doctor casually mentioned that my growth plates had closed, I was devastated! I was 14 years old and 5'3" No! I thought, I can't stay this size! I'm not nearly tall enough! What am I supposed to do?! There was nothing to do, I was stuck with this short body, stunted before I could reach Barbie's stunning proportions. In 8th grade I got another shock when I overheard a boy ask where that big-boob McCombs girl was (he meant me). I was both horrified and proud, I may not have Barbie's height but at least I got her rack! And the boys were noticing! 

Barbie created the metric system by which I judged myself and all women. Long, thick hair +1 point, narrow waist +1 point, dainty feet +1 point. (I actually used to squeeze my feet into a size 7.5 just to appear smaller). Slim, long legs +10 points, you can make your legs appear longer by wearing short skirts and high heels for +5 points, uniform skin tone +5 points, acne -1000 points. You get the picture, look a certain way or else no one will look at you at all. 

High heels, skinny waist with just a hint of bare midriff, don't want to give it all away, leave a little to the imagination girl! Long, straight, smooth hair, makeup just right, it would take me hours to check all the Pretty Girl boxes each morning. I'm mad and ashamed and disappointed about all the time and money and effort I spent on making myself a prize for someone to win.Focusing so much of my time and energy on policing and manipulating my appearance left little time for me to form actual thoughts and opinions beyond who was going to ask me to prom.

I could have been doing real things, I could have been having real thoughts! Maybe that's why spending time and money on my hair and makeup and clothes seems like such a waste now. I have lost years to primping but no more. My time is my own, I don't need to impress anyone but myself. 

I plan on spending all my time thinking important thoughts and solving problems and building relationships. No more quality time with my hairdryer and hand mirror.