How I gained 40 lbs and what I learned

I love reading stories of people who have lost a ton of weight by drastically changing their lifestyles and eating habits. This is the opposite of that. My before and after pictures are me, and me +45 pounds. I can't even claim that I never lost the baby weight in between pregnancies because I did, every last pound. I gained 26 pounds with my first baby and I had lost all of it in 7 months just by breast-feeding. (And just in time to get pregnant again.) I honestly don't even remember my second pregnancy very well. I was pretty sick, didn't gain very much weight and lost it all before my 3rd pregnancy. I think I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight by the time #2 was about 10 months old. I was on a "headache free" diet from Eat to Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman. I thought my migraines were diet related, little did I know I was experiencing the migraine clusters associated with pregnancy, baby #3 was on his way! At first I was so sick. Not nauseous but light headed, I passed out several times during the next few months. My kind mother-in-law came and took care of my kids while I slept. We knew something had to give. Tim loved his job, we were building a beautiful home in Billings, but I couldn't function. I was still having suicidal thoughts and I was irritated and angry all the time let alone too nauseous and dizzy to stand up. Tim was afraid to leave me home alone. We had talked about moving to Utah after living in Billings for a few years. We wanted to raise our kids close to family. When we found out we were pregnant again we decided to speed up the process. It was really hard to know Tim was sacrificing a great job because I couldn't take care of our family, I needed help. The next few months were so hard. Thinking about that time in our lives still makes me really sad. I loved my kids, I wanted so desperately to be a good mom but I couldn't go it alone anymore. Physically and emotionally I needed an extensive support group. So we moved in with my parents and Tim stayed in Montana for the next 5 months. And I started eating. More of everything but especially treats. Sugar was my reward at the end of a long and stressful day. Ice cream, brownies, cookies, oh how I love cookies! Eating and sleeping were my hobbies and really the only things I did for months. My mom took care of my kids or they watched tv for hours. I steadily gained more and more weight. When I was bored, I ate, when I was stressed, I ate, when I missed my husband and our life together, I ate. It was a cure all. I always felt better with some sugar in my system and I didn't feel guilty because I was supposed to gaining weight, I was pregnant. Eating was the only thing that made me feel better and I had an incessant appetite. I blamed it all on the pregnancy, it happens, I didn't have time to worry about it or really even think about it. I got bigger everywhere, I had to keep buying clothes because my maternity clothes didn't fit anymore.
I know it's not uncommon to gain 45 pounds during a pregnancy, but it was really hard for me. I went to a Zumba class the other day in an effort to get back in shape and it was just depressing. I've never not liked my reflection before, I didn't want to be that chubby girl. But I refuse to feel bad about myself. This is what I've learned, weight is only one aspect of me. Sure, I'm uncomfortable with the way I look right now but that discomfort only goes so far as to motivate me to eat well and exercise. I will fight off any feelings of guilt or shame. My body is amazing! I have been able to create 3 humans with my amazing body. So, if your muffin top is getting you down, try harder to love your body, all of it. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes and no one else's is quite like yours.