Let your humanity show

I started this blog because I love to write and I needed an outlet to vent my frustrations about myself, society, motherhood, and life in general. I've continued to blog in an effort to raise awareness about mental health, specifically anxiety and depression. I've tried to be very transparent about my struggles because I think too often we report the good things online, hiding the bad or suffering alone. The more I talk to people, the more I am convinced that everybody has fought feelings of inadequacy, anxiety and depression whether momentarily or chronically. I am the latter. 

I would like to stand before you today as a whole, complete person who has overcome postpartum depression. Someone who can offer support, resources and hope. But I can't. I'd like to look back on my time as a new mom and say I did it, this is what helped me and you can do it too. But I can't yet. My last visit to my psychiatrist made it glaringly obvious that I am still in the midst of this trial. There is no cure for mental illness, only treatment. Which is so crushingly painful to bear. Knowing that I may always struggle with depression and anxiety, I may always have bouts of wellness interspersed by periods of depression. The things that make it easier to bear are medication and the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I have found anti-anxiety medication, anti-depressants,and anti-psychotic medication to be essential to my wellness. I've been on Buspar, an anti-anxiety, for about six years now. I hemmed and hawed about taking a pill for a long time, weighing the pros and cons and trying to come to grips with having anxiety. I didn't realize how much anxiety was affecting my life until I found relief from it. Learning more about anxiety and the brain has helped me realize I've had panic attacks since childhood. I was lucky enough to find relief in the first pill I tried which isn't always the case. Medication can be such a trial and error process between dosage, side effects and insurance, it can seem like it isn't worth it. For me, it has been. With medication my anxiety is tempered and I'm able to relax and live life more fully. 

I've been on an anti-depressant for 3 years now. After Hazel was born, Zoloft helped obliterate the dark thoughts and overwhelming sadness. I've talked to many women who experienced these "baby blues" being tempered by anti-depressants. The common theme among them is they wish they had known it was normal and that medication would help immensely. In some countries doctors, including psychiatrists, make home visits during the immediate postpartum period to offer support and education to recovering mothers. I would like to see this implemented in the United States. So many of us face this scary time alone and it doesn't have to be that way. I continue to take a high dose of Zoloft but hope to cut back on it because it revs up my nervous system and makes my anxiety higher. For me, wellness is such a delicate dance between brain chemistry and medication. I was doing well for a month or two but when I found out the anti-psychotic I'm on was likely the cause of my unusual weight gain, my psychiatrist suggested I try to wean off of it slowly. It's hard to realize I was doing well because of medication and that I may need it for the rest of my life. I'm hoping to get on another anti-psychotic, one that doesn't cause weight gain, and to do well with a lower dose of Zoloft. But I'm realizing these things take time to sort out and I need to be patient with myself. So for those of you who are anxious, depressed or more than a little crazy, I'm right there with you. Let's find wellness together. 

To find out more about the gospel of Jesus Christ and how it has helped me stay strong in the midst of mental illness click here.