Pain

Most of us would do anything to avoid pain. We go to great lengths to stay away from pain and to end it as soon as it begins. I think it's human nature. We want to be safe, to survive and thrive so we naturally avoid painful situations, emotions, and even shy away from painful memories or events. But I think it is in seeing our pain, looking at it head-on that we gain an understanding of pain, perhaps how to avoid it next time but more importantly, how to recognize when it is gone. My therapist tells me often "It's only a feeling and you're entitled to your feelings." It's ok to feel shy, overwhelmed, angry, irritated, tired. In fact, it's healthy. Feeling pain whether from betrayal, misunderstandings, loneliness, pride, regret; it is expected and even beneficial. Not only should I expect to go through painful experiences, I can grow and become more from them. I fight off feeling tired, stave off my frustrations, grit my teeth and want to scream sometimes but it takes so much work to push against those emotions. I'm trying to allow myself to just feel them. It's ok to get exasperated when trying to dress a twisting, turning baby; in fact, it's normal, it's a healthy reaction. You don't get into right and wrong until you consider actions: it is ok to feel frustration, to take a break or clap my hands or stomp my feet, it is not ok to throw said baby out the window (don't worry, I haven't done that). Too often, at the end of a trying day I brainstorm ways to make tomorrow better: I should have done the dishes earlier so the kitchen wouldn't get out of control or I should organize the babies' toys better so they don't end up all over the house or I should have folded laundry instead of taking a nap when the babies were sleeping because now I don't have any clean underwear. Often I analyze and synthesize and theorize on ways to avoid pain: embarrassment, loneliness, fatigue. But, some pain is a part of life. I do pretty well to protect myself and my family from unnecessary pain and try to embrace and learn from the painful experiences I do have. It's normal and healthy to feel lonely/exhausted/lost/overwhelmed. In fact, it's just healthy to feel. Feeling lonely reminds me of what great friends and family I have. I appreciate them more because I know what it's like to not see them. I rejoice in a well-prepared meal because I know what it's like to have everything burn. One day I will sleep in as late as I want because no one will be yelling MOM-MA! from their crib. I will embrace the pain of motherhood, of having 2 small beings depend on me for everything, of being a wife and enjoying the small moments I get to share snuggling with my husband as he falls asleep after a long day at work and wishing I could see more of the one person I've chosen to spend time with. Don't get me wrong, I am not asking for help, support, anything really. I see a real need for people to connect in meaningful ways and to be open and honest about life, it's ups and especially it's downs because everybody has downs and that's ok.

Flex those mighty muscles

I'm writing a book. I've been thinking about it for some time and I feel ready to start sketching out this idea. I'd like some experiences to draw on besides my own so, please tell me about a time when you felt powerful. In a confident, I can get things done, I'm competent, I just did that! Kind of way. Like, almost invincible, or even just incredibly influential. Or maybe when you felt like you discovered something you were good at (I know as Christians and sometimes even as women we feel like we're not supposed to be good at anything, like how it's considered socially normal to deflect compliments and downplay our accomplishments and hide our abilities). Look, everybody's good at something, what's your thing? I know I often focus my attention on the things I'm not doing or my failed attempts (like the sunburst mirror I've been trying to build in 20 minute chunks of time for 3 weeks). But I feel it can be very enriching to take time to think about what you're good at, whatever it is, and congratulate yourself especially if it's something that could be considered insignificant. (I happen to be really good at laundry and I rock at responding to the specific sounds and cleaning up the disgusting bodily fluids that often spew from my adorable babies). Remember, every ability counts, what are you good at?

who's your momma?

everybody needs a great momma. I feel really lucky that I have one and I know it isn't Mother's Day or anything but I've just been thinking how great it is to have a mom and sometimes I wish I could go back to being a teenager and having my mom take care of so many things for me. Moms are great at remembering your birthday and planning a super special day for you with all of your favorite things. They listen to you talk about your life and your friends and who you're currently crushing on. Who else would take care of you when you're disgustingly sick with the flu or whining and ornery because you have cramps, again! Who else besides you cares what Jessie Joe said about you in French class the other day or how defeated you felt when you tried out for the dance for the fourth time, and didn't make it, for the fourth time! Who else could give you advice and watch out for you all the time. Plan special enriching events for you to participate in and warn you about dangers in the world. I feel so cared for and connected to something special whenever I talk to my mom. She knows me, all the good, the bad, and everything in between. She was the first person my wondering newborn eyes focused on, I recognize her special mommy scent when I borrow her clothes, and I know no matter what I do or how badly I mess up, she's still my mom, always has been, always will be. So here's to you mom, thanks for teaching me how to be someone else's everything. I am who I am because of the concentrated efforts of my momma.