Sunday, April 14, 2024

Outline of a family


Family

a noun

A father, a mother and their children, living together, in one house.


I like having a plan,

A path laid down for me,

Expectations, events and next steps included.

Paths take me from where I am

to where I need to be.

A clear route from here to there.

Stepping stones worn smooth

by thousands of people

who have gone this way before,

with the promise of thousands more to come.


I believe families

to be the most important thing.

I believe that no matter what,

if you had your family,

you would be okay,

you would make it to the end of this life

whole and complete,

ready for the next phase.

This assurance

was my armor

against disappointment, uncertainty and doubts

I knew I could handle

embarrassment, disappointment or frustration

as long as I was surrounded by my family.


All around me I saw families moving through predetermined phases:


Phase 1– Young mother, young father, 3+ chubby babies, poor but happy together in a small apartment

Phase 2 – Young mother, young father, elementary aged children, this phase is punctuated by many hours spent in a minivan driving to and from a starter home to practices and events.

Phase 3 – Middle aged mother, middle aged father, teenagers (can make exceptions for a younger sibling but uncommon at this phase) voracious eaters typical. A bigger home with space for gatherings.

Phase 4 – Over the hill mother, over the hill father, young adult children who come home from college for Sunday dinners, holidays and summer vacation. Children begin to display respect and appreciation for parents. The house is now remodeled, repaired and/or otherwise updated.

Phase 5 – Graying mother, balding father, young adult children married with babies, first one adorable, impossibly tiny baby, then two or three drooling toddlers, then 10 or 12 elementary kids, culminating with 18-20 grandchildren including some teenagers.

Phase 6 – Aging mother, aging father, adult children, grandchildren leaving on missions and getting married, this phase is punctuated with summer reunions and sprawling pictures of all three generations sunburned and smiling.

Phase 7 – Siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles come together to honor first the passing of the patriarch of the family, then the passing of the matriarch of the family. Gatherings are punctuated by questions like "How are we related?” Second cousins twice removed (what does that even mean?)


The continuation of these phases

has been the focus of my life.

Each generation shares their stories,

Lives recorded in genealogy records.

From sepia wedding portraits

to fuzzy Polaroids.

Rolls of film dropped off,

don't forget to request duplicates

So I can share

and pass around

These stories of me.


Phases stretch on and on into eternity,

One unbroken chain.

No empty seats at the temple,

Each of us is linked to the other.

No loners, no outliers, no one missing or lost.

Certainly no divorce or separation, no missing pieces, no loose ends,

Each person lovingly woven into

The tapestry of

Family


But what about when it's not?

Not really like that,

When there are disruptions,

Untimely divorces,

Sudden deaths,

Unmarried uncles,

Addiction and heartbreak,

Family secrets,

Relationships broken, trust lost.

Estrangements

and isolation.


Not only a break of hearts,

A break of tradition,

A break in expectations,

In patterns of behavior,

In roles we each play.


We are supposed to be this way,

look this way, act this way.

If we're not,

If we don't,

are we even a family?


Rigid standards, roles and expectations

Lay the path

to disappointment, disillusionment and confusion.

Questions of

How many kids in your family?

Where do your parents live?

Are you and your siblings close?

Well, how much time do you have?

Let me get my poster board and my marker

to map out

my family tree.


Because, it's complicated.

My family doesn't follow

The basic blueprint

that's been projected, expected and enforced

on families for decades, centuries, millennia.


And I'm both parts

Proud and Ashamed

of my broken family.

With its starts and stops.

The dangling branches,

The forks and angles

and dizzying degrees

of complications,

of faces, experiences and places

we've lived.

People we've loved

and lost

and found.


We're a mess

of branches

Scattered,

Gathered,

Grafted.


We're together

even when we're apart.

I am a part of them

and they are a part of me.

My one big, sprawling, noisy, confusing

Family.







Thursday, January 18, 2024

Ranking

 More on the points system I referenced in my post about Barbie...

Women get points for lots of things, being thin, marrying young, snagging a really good looking guy. In Mormon Land we also get points for having lots and lots of babies, like a dozen or so, and for being pregnant continuously, for breast feeding each baby because "Breast is Best." We can also accrue points by getting our bodies back after pregnancy, wearing makeup, smiling and being sweet and kind, quiet and supportive and well, small. Waiting for a pat on the head from a man. Smiling and looking doe eyed is especially point worthy. 

Motherhood, it turns out, is a whole minefield of points, both earning and losing. You bought organic produce? More points for you! Homemade, clean eating, gluten-free, dairy-free, plant-based? Points! Points and more Points! Bonus points for every time you say my kids will never eat that! 

Bonus points for homeschooling your kids, for being their one and only mother, nurse, maid, cook, cleaner, gym teacher, math teacher, social studies teacher, counselor, therapist, stylist, personal assistant and coach. What's that? A whole village? A network of people to raise my kids, not me! I can do it on my own with all these points I've earned. 

Isolating and surrounded. You mirror them, they mirror you and nobody looks good. 

No technology, more points, no liberal ideas, more points. Patriotic? You just scored the Mother-load!  

Barbie

When I was a girl playing with Barbie made me excited to get big, full boobs and wide hips and long legs and luscious hair. Well, that didn't happen. I broke my big toe in Junior High and when the doctor casually mentioned that my growth plates had closed, I was devastated! I was 14 years old and 5'3" No! I thought, I can't stay this size! I'm not nearly tall enough! What am I supposed to do?! There was nothing to do, I was stuck with this short body, stunted before I could reach Barbie's stunning proportions. In 8th grade I got another shock when I overheard a boy ask where that big-boob McCombs girl was (he meant me). I was both horrified and proud, I may not have Barbie's height but at least I got her rack! And the boys were noticing! 

Barbie created the metric system by which I judged myself and all women. Long, thick hair +1 point, narrow waist +1 point, dainty feet +1 point. (I actually used to squeeze my feet into a size 7.5 just to appear smaller). Slim, long legs +10 points, you can make your legs appear longer by wearing short skirts and high heels for +5 points, uniform skin tone +5 points, acne -1000 points. You get the picture, look a certain way or else no one will look at you at all. 

High heels, skinny waist with just a hint of bare midriff, don't want to give it all away, leave a little to the imagination girl! Long, straight, smooth hair, makeup just right, it would take me hours to check all the Pretty Girl boxes each morning. I'm mad and ashamed and disappointed about all the time and money and effort I spent on making myself a prize for someone to win.Focusing so much of my time and energy on policing and manipulating my appearance left little time for me to form actual thoughts and opinions beyond who was going to ask me to prom.

I could have been doing real things, I could have been having real thoughts! Maybe that's why spending time and money on my hair and makeup and clothes seems like such a waste now. I have lost years to primping but no more. My time is my own, I don't need to impress anyone but myself. 

I plan on spending all my time thinking important thoughts and solving problems and building relationships. No more quality time with my hairdryer and hand mirror. 


Saturday, May 6, 2023

Happiness has no size

 Happiness has no size

Happiness has no size

Happiness has no size

Happiness has no size

Happiness has no size

And once more for effect, 

Happiness has no size

I have gained weight. The only other time I had this many lbs on me, I was pregnant for the third time in two and a half years. I was chasing a two year old, a one year and had barely surfaced from my second bout of postpartum depression. 

What I'm saying is I deserved it! Of course I was bigger and fatter than I ever had been, I was supporting four lives with my one body!

This is how I discovered one small part of my fat phobia; I believed some people deserve to be fat. They're not really trying very hard to lose weight, they don't eat well, they don't exercise or they are housing another human body within their own. Those are the people that deserve to be fat.

People who don't deserve to be fat, well, they're skinny. They wake up early and exercise every morning, they don't eat carbs or fat or sugar. They eat plants and lean meats. They have stable blood sugar and thigh gaps and they're never tired because their body is running on clean energy.

I used to be one of those people, in reality, maybe I was just young. 

But now I'm fat and not young. 

But I am happy.

My body has kept time with my mind as I have grown. I've expanded and gotten squishier, softer, more pliable and loving, understanding and caring for ideas, for people, for differences. I used to be straight and unforgiving as a rail rod, thin and mean and prideful. All angles and cruel, swift justice.

Now, I'm soft and curvy; relaxed, even jiggly, but most of all happy. I am content. I am feeling more comfortable with my body, myself, my life, my choices. I am growing into myself, into my mind, my ideas and experiences. 

And I can see that there's space, there's space for everyone to grow into themselves. There's room for all of our minds and bodies and thoughts and feelings and experiences.

So I'm going to keep growing. I hope you do too.

Tuesday, March 21, 2023

On Book Bans

 Why I think banning books is the wrong move and what I think we should do instead.


Whenever I read about a book that has been banned, the first thing I do is Google it. I’m automatically intrigued. Why was this book banned? Do I agree or disagree with these reasons? Would I read this book? Would I let my kids read this book? In my opinion, the best way to raise interest in a book is to ban it.

Of course it’s important to screen books that children have access to. Allowing them to have unfettered access to books containing violence, abuse, sex, exploitation, and drug use is damaging and irresponsible. Books need to be thoughtfully vetted and evaluated. We need to ask questions like: Why are we using this book? What are we hoping children learn by interacting with this book? Is there another book that addresses the issue in a more age appropriate way? At what age are children mature enough to process the information in this book in a meaningful way? Who has access to this book? How can we best manage that access? Guidelines around and transparency about the contents of books is a win for everyone.

You really can’t judge a book by its cover. Dust jackets provide very little information about a book. Without any warning, you can easily fall into a book with content that you’re neither willing to nor able to interact with. As a survivor of abuse, I absolutely hate reading about sexual exploitation. It is so upsetting for me that it can take weeks for me to process the emotions that come up. Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t talk about sexual exploitation and other difficult topics like race, incest, abuse, drug use and violence. Our history is replete with these issues and trying to forget them is naive and will only encourage their continuation. It’s necessary we engage with these issues, but only when you’re ready, willing and able. It’s a question of consent, content warnings and ratings provide guidelines around the interactions people have with a book. If the content is disclosed ahead of time, you can know if it is the right fit for you and your circumstance or your child’s.

The Motion Picture Association of America does for movies, even previews are screened and rated for content. The Entertainment Software Rating Board provides rating categories for video games including E for Everyone, T for Teen, M for Mature among others. If we can agree on ratings and content warnings for movies and video games, then why can’t we do the same for books?

It makes sense to me to have child development experts, teachers and parents work together to create content warnings and maturity ratings for books. Instead of banning books, which only increases interest, let’s categorize books so we know what we’re getting into when we open one up. 


Friday, December 23, 2022

new baby

When two became three,

When we became us.

Rosebud lips pursed tight,

Chubby cheeks, red and round.

Seashell ears and button nose.

A small swaddle,

A bundle of love.

Welcome to the world

Little one.


come as you are

Come as you are

In pantsuits and heels,

In uniforms with radios and motorcycle boots

Armed or broken,

Straight or queer

Faces masked, or naked

Tennis shoes once white,

Now grubby and scuffed from soccer games and playgrounds

Sweaters or suits,

Belts or bowties.

Come as you are

Dresses, skirts or pants or both.

Bedhead, bad breath, and sickly sweet perfume.

Dirty hands and wrinkled shirts,

Come as you are.

Sinners and saints, we are all the same

Before our Gods in heaven.