How I gained 40 lbs and what I learned

I love reading stories of people who have lost a ton of weight by drastically changing their lifestyles and eating habits. This is the opposite of that. My before and after pictures are me, and me +45 pounds. I can't even claim that I never lost the baby weight in between pregnancies because I did, every last pound. I gained 26 pounds with my first baby and I had lost all of it in 7 months just by breast-feeding. (And just in time to get pregnant again.) I honestly don't even remember my second pregnancy very well. I was pretty sick, didn't gain very much weight and lost it all before my 3rd pregnancy. I think I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight by the time #2 was about 10 months old. I was on a "headache free" diet from Eat to Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman. I thought my migraines were diet related, little did I know I was experiencing the migraine clusters associated with pregnancy, baby #3 was on his way! At first I was so sick. Not nauseous but light headed, I passed out several times during the next few months. My kind mother-in-law came and took care of my kids while I slept. We knew something had to give. Tim loved his job, we were building a beautiful home in Billings, but I couldn't function. I was still having suicidal thoughts and I was irritated and angry all the time let alone too nauseous and dizzy to stand up. Tim was afraid to leave me home alone. We had talked about moving to Utah after living in Billings for a few years. We wanted to raise our kids close to family. When we found out we were pregnant again we decided to speed up the process. It was really hard to know Tim was sacrificing a great job because I couldn't take care of our family, I needed help. The next few months were so hard. Thinking about that time in our lives still makes me really sad. I loved my kids, I wanted so desperately to be a good mom but I couldn't go it alone anymore. Physically and emotionally I needed an extensive support group. So we moved in with my parents and Tim stayed in Montana for the next 5 months. And I started eating. More of everything but especially treats. Sugar was my reward at the end of a long and stressful day. Ice cream, brownies, cookies, oh how I love cookies! Eating and sleeping were my hobbies and really the only things I did for months. My mom took care of my kids or they watched tv for hours. I steadily gained more and more weight. When I was bored, I ate, when I was stressed, I ate, when I missed my husband and our life together, I ate. It was a cure all. I always felt better with some sugar in my system and I didn't feel guilty because I was supposed to gaining weight, I was pregnant. Eating was the only thing that made me feel better and I had an incessant appetite. I blamed it all on the pregnancy, it happens, I didn't have time to worry about it or really even think about it. I got bigger everywhere, I had to keep buying clothes because my maternity clothes didn't fit anymore.
I know it's not uncommon to gain 45 pounds during a pregnancy, but it was really hard for me. I went to a Zumba class the other day in an effort to get back in shape and it was just depressing. I've never not liked my reflection before, I didn't want to be that chubby girl. But I refuse to feel bad about myself. This is what I've learned, weight is only one aspect of me. Sure, I'm uncomfortable with the way I look right now but that discomfort only goes so far as to motivate me to eat well and exercise. I will fight off any feelings of guilt or shame. My body is amazing! I have been able to create 3 humans with my amazing body. So, if your muffin top is getting you down, try harder to love your body, all of it. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes and no one else's is quite like yours.

A Mother's Treasure

I am my mother’s diamond,

Her treasure, her pearl.

Made beautiful by her devotion,

Her strength and her love.

Polished by her teachings.

An eternal treasure

A righteous young woman

Assured by a mother’s enduring faith.

Shaped by her everlasting love

Inspired by her infinite confidence in me

Her valiant example

Will I carry and pass on

When I am a mother

And have treasures of my own.

Out of Touch

Here's to all the women who are out of touch with fashion, who wear maternity clothes even when they aren't pregnant, who have given up on fitting into their date jeans ever again, to all those women who have offered themselves, even their physical bodies, as a sacrifice on the altar of motherhood, today is your day. Look at your children and marvel at the good you have created! I know being a good mom is hard no matter what the circumstances, whether you're doing it alone or with a whole network of people, it's a difficult task and it requires your very best efforts. When my children are grown, I want to look back on this time of my life with fondness and with conviction that I did the very best I could. I showed up, I broke up fights, I read countless stories, I wiped endless bums and noses and I made sure my kids know they are loved unconditionally by at least one person on earth. From what I hear it will be worth it. All the sleepless nights, all the tears and research and worrying, all the forced apologies will culminate in a functioning, contributing member of society. That's right, they will grow up and one day be adults who will hopefully care for us in our old age with the same tenderness and compassion we show them now. I know my two girls and my little boy will stand before me as fully developed adults and I will be so proud. I won't remember the nasty diapers I had to change, the wrestling matches during church or the grating sound of "mommee!" It will all be worth it. Hang on, keep trying, it gets easier, from what I hear. And if they don't turn out, you can always have more.

Well

I am doing well. So well in fact I've started to wonder if I might be able to have even more kids. But then reality sets in, Emma poops on the floor or Hazel pulls Hyrum out of his bassinet and plops him on the floor, and all I can say is I'm happy we all survived today! But I do want to give hope to all of you who have struggled with postpartum depression or just struggled to be a good mom. It gets easier. Or maybe we just get better at this mom thing.
With my first baby, my depression came on quickly and was very intense. I had thoughts of hurting myself and disturbing images and ideas about hurting my baby. I didn't trust myself to be alone with her and I couldn't stop crying. All this was quickly remedied by a visit to my OB. She sympathetically listened to me describe my psychosis and promptly prescribed an antidepressant, Sertraline (Zoloft). She reassured me that postpartum depression is very common and very treatable and it does not mean I don't love my baby or I won't be a good mom. I kept in close contact with her over the next few months and upped my dose once or twice. When we found out we were pregnant again, I was ecstatic! I doted on my sweet baby girl so much, I couldn't believe I was lucky enough to have another adorable baby to love. My pregnancy and delivery were a breeze and all was well until she was about 3 months old. Then I started to collapse. My husband was traveling for work, my hormones were a mess and I had two babies to care for. Another trip to my OB and more Sertraline helped stabilize me. I also started seeing a therapist which was immensely helpful. I highly recommend therapy, I have really enjoyed having someone who I'm not worried about damaging our relationship, she already knows I'm kinda crazy so no worries there, and an outside perspective is so reassuring. Therapy is very expensive so if you don't have insurance or not very good insurance, I suggest finding a very understanding and very forgiving friend who will listen to and keep all your secrets, it is so cathartic. After another relapse in December, I went down to Utah to stay with my parents for a few months. Buspar, an anti-anxiety medication prescribed by my OB helped keep me calm and quelled some of my paranoia. I also started taking more Sertraline. I finally saw a psychiatrist in Billings who diagnosed me with Bipolar Type II as well as postpartum depression and prescribed Risperidone, an anti-psychotic. I was finally able to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, what a relief! When we moved to Utah I had to find a new psychiatrist which was a monumental task and a new therapist which was tricky but doable. I'll post again about that process because it can be daunting.
Sorry for so much back story but I really want to be transparent about where I've been and what has helped me through this whirlwind.
I was so very nervous that I would be right back where I started and that there was nothing I could do about it. But I'm here to tell you there's so much you can do! After my third baby I only had a few sad days where I was on the verge of tears for hours or couldn't find the energy to get out of my robe. I think I just experienced the "baby blues" that most moms have after giving birth. Don't get me wrong, the first 8 weeks were really rough but rough as in "I'm so tired I feel sick to my stomach" rough not "I want to kill myself" rough.
So here are some things that helped me:
Medication--don't be afraid of it, if you had high blood pressure you would take medication for it. Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain that medication can correct. Taking medication can actually help your brain to heal itself.
Exercise--I cannot tell you how much moving, especially outside, has helped elevate my mood and increase my confidence. I'm currently trying out CrossFit with my hubby but I also enjoy Zumba, swimming, riding my bike, jumping on the tramp and just taking my kids for walks around the neighborhood.
The Gospel--I know Jesus Christ is our savior, that he suffered not only for our sins but also our hardships so he can perfectly relate, understand, and heal us. I've received many powerful priesthood blessings from my husband and my stepdad. I study the gospel everyday, without fail, no matter how tired or busy I am because I NEED it so desperately. I need to feel the Holy Ghost and I need to feel God's love everyday.
Support--I have had so much help from my parents, my siblings, my husband, my ward and my friends. Do not underestimate people, they can be so uplifting and encouraging and reassuring if they know you're having a hard time. I am lucky enough to be living with my parents right now, in the ward I grew up in, so I've had past girls camp leaders, young women leaders, and neighbors reach out to me and offer babysitting, meals,visits, and endless encouragement. No one expects you to do this alone. Realize when you need help and ask for it.
So, I'm doing well. My kids still stay in their pajamas most the time and I'm still packing too much pregnancy weight but I'm doing well.

autumn

Stunning sunlight
cool crisp air
dazzling colors
everywhere
leaves are crunching
babies squealing
running through swirls of red and yellow
orange and blue
autumn is everywhere

swede

impossibly small
delicately made
tiny toes
rosebud lips
dark fuzzy hair
sleepy squeaks
unbelievably vulnerable and delicate
welcome to our family Swede Catherine

happiness

When depression overwhelms me, I want to fling the feelings away, splatter droplets of sorrow all around me. Melancholy pours out of me like a river damned only by the passing of time. I'm frightened of drowning in the deluge and think to warn others to seek higher ground before they are inundated with the seemingly endless flow of sadness that surrounds me.
But when I find happiness I want to hold it close, savoring the feeling, breathing it in, embracing the joy, wrapping myself in warmth and light. I relish the sensation and roll around in it, bliss soothing my battered soul.
Ebbing and flowing, my emotions are changing. The darkness is no longer so menacing, tamed by prescription drugs, therapy and love. The light is more powerful and pervasive, my strength and self-confidence blossoming in the warmth of loved ones.
I thank  you for your supportive comments. I cherish your words of praise and encouragement. I am writing a memoir but it will remain a skeleton until my time is my own again. I am so grateful to those who have offered words of comfort and cheer. I hope my fight offers insight, fosters understanding and compassion for all who read it. I am delighted that I seem to be emerging from the storm. I don't know if it will rage again after Hyrum arrives, but if it does I will weather it one final time with courage and support from those around me.