A village? I say it takes an army!

Two things happened recently that reminded me of how fortunate I am and how indebted I am to so many people who have seen me through my darkest days over the past few years. First, a boy I grew up with took his own life. It is shocking and incredibly sad to know someone who was in so much pain or who was so sick that ending his life seemed like his only option. I don't know very much about the circumstances surrounding his death but my heart goes out to his family for the pain and confusion they must be experiencing. I feel some survivor's guilt knowing I was there, I was right there. I have been so close to taking my own life and I was saved. So why not him? I don't know what I have done to deserve to be surrounded by so many saviors, to be saved time and again from myself. I wish I could have helped him, I wish I could have shared the army of strength and encouragement I have received with him and his family.

His circumstances have motivated me to share more about my experiences with postpartum depression in an effort to tear down some of the misconceptions about mental health and to encourage people to reach out to others. You really don't know how influential you can be in someone else's life.

The second thing that happened is I saw this video on my church's website entitled Sitting on the Bench: Thoughts on Suicide Prevention. I've watched it again and again. It is so comforting to know other people have felt what I have felt, that I'm not alone and that there's help for me. To be reassured that there are people who love me unconditionally, who will "sit on the bench" with me. People who won't shy away from my scary thoughts, people who will advocate for me and my health, people who are cheering me on, who believe in me, that I can make it, that I can get better and be better. People who can see me separate from my depression.

I remember one night last fall when I was driving back to my parent's home, pregnant, with my two little girls in their carseats in the back, and I couldn't stop crying. I was so overwhelmingly sad. Depression has been the most powerful emotion I've ever experienced. I could not stop sobbing and I was so scared. I knew from previous experience that I should not be alone. I tried to muster up the courage to drive home alone, to be alone, to get my girls in jammies and diapers and bed. I just couldn't do it. I find that depression is so powerful and overwhelming that it compromises my ability to do even the most menial tasks. I needed help. So I called for help. I called my aunt, I called my sister, I asked for help. I was embarrassed and confused; I couldn't really explain why I was so sad, I was just really depressed and terrified of being alone. My sister and brother-in-law were at my parent's house when I got home. They helped me get the girls to bed and then we just sat together and watched HGTV. We didn't talk about my sporadic sobbing, they didn't try to console me or hush my fears, they just sat with me. When I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer my sister came downstairs and laid by me until I fell asleep. It's still one of the most touching things anyone has ever done for me. I don't know how they felt about being with me, but they didn't seem uncomfortable. I hope they didn't worry about saying the right thing, they just stayed with me until the storm of sadness had passed. They didn't chide me for being so emotional or tell me to just snap out of it. They reassured me that what I was feeling was real and that I didn't have to weather the storm alone. 

When I had my third baby we were all apprehensive about how I would feel afterwards. Especially since I had been depressed on and off throughout my pregnancy. The Relief Society President from my church worked with me and my mom to organize volunteers from our church to come and help me while my parents worked and went to school. (My mom was pursuing a Bachelor's Degree from BYU-Provo and my step-dad was working from home). For two months ladies came almost every day and cared for my two girls or sat and visited with me or fed my baby boy. Their visits bolstered my strength, they told me stories of having their own babies, of grand-babies and hopes of future babies to be born. They took my girls to the park and into their own homes to play with their children. Meals came every night from ladies ready and willing to help me and my family. I can honestly say my children have a mother because of the strength, the service and the love of my family and the women of the Relief Society. I will never be able to repay all the people who have reached out to me with reassurance, encouraging words and loving kindness. I hope to be able to be an influence for good in the lives of others and to inspire people to notice those around them who may be suffering and to look for ways to help. 

So if you know someone who is suffering or if you feel prompted to visit someone, give someone a call or send a text, do it! Your words may be just what they need to tip the balance from despair and desperation to peace and calm.