Is breast always best?

A few weeks ago, I was warming up for a Crossfit class when the subject of breastfeeding came up. One of the men in the class was telling us about his new baby and how his wife was really struggling with breastfeeding. The women in the class let out a collective moan. We all agreed breastfeeding a newborn was incredibly painful. The instructor, my friend Bev, admitted she had tried breastfeeding once, not with one kid but one single time and just hated it. She felt like it would trap her even more than having a baby already did. She also felt like there was something wrong with her if she didn't want to breastfeed. Like maybe she wasn't a good mother. I struggled with some of these same feelings after I had Hazel and breastfeeding was so stressful and surprisingly painful. I had only seen women breastfeed older babies like 3 month old and it seemed effortless, they just draped a blanket over themselves, unhooked a few things and let the baby go to town. Some women even seemed to find it relaxing. I wondered what I was doing wrong because I hated breastfeeding and dreaded it every time my baby would cry. I've talked to many women who have struggled with feelings of inadequacy and guilt about breastfeeding their babies and I'd like to diffuse some of the pressure surrounding the breast vs. bottle debate. This is not a report of statistics or facts about how breastfed babies do in comparison to bottle fed babies, this is just my experience, take it or leave it.
First, the pain. For those of you who have not breastfed a newborn, imagine attaching a tiny vacuum hose to your most tender body parts for up to 12 times in a 24 hour period. The suction a newborn is able to produce is nothing short of amazing. If my milk hadn't let down before I started nursing, I would feel the pulling all the way to my armpits, sometimes even across my back! Before I had babies, I thought my breasts would release milk in a sort of stream, like a faucet. Now, that does happen occasionally, but most of the time it is more like a sprinkler, with the nipples releasing many tiny droplets from many parts. Each of these droplets feels like needles coming out of again, a very small and tender body part. Besides the pain, I think the worst part of breastfeeding my first was the confusion and frustration of not knowing how to do it. I thought breastfeeding would be so natural, that my baby would just latch on and my body would automatically produce enough milk for her. I was wrong on both counts. Babies have no idea how to do anything but suck, poop and cry and sometimes they even struggle with those few things. They will latch on to almost anything, as evidenced by this picture of my husband teasing our firstborn. He was surprised by how strong the suction was from such a little mouth.

And they want to suck all the time! I think Hazel was rooting day and night for the first few weeks of her life. She was always hungry! I used to cry right along with her when she woke up because I knew she was hungry and I was going to have to try to get her to latch on again. Now, I had read all the books and talked to the lactation consultant and they all said breastfeeding shouldn't hurt if you are doing it right. Talk to any mom and she'll tell you the truth, it sucks, literally. My mom told me about when she went to see her big sister, my aunt, in the hospital after she had her third baby. She said she could hear my Aunt Malinda yelling in pain as soon as she stepped off the elevator on the maternity unit. She was surprised to find her sister writhing in pain as she tried to nurse her newborn. My mom was reaching the end of her own pregnancy and was scared to death. 

So breastfeeding is really, really painful. 

But it doesn't stay that way. Women's bodies do miraculous things, as evidenced by pregnancy, and something magically happens after about 2 months of nursing, it doesn't hurt anymore. There's probably some science to it but I have no idea what it is, all I know is it stops hurting and becomes second nature quickly. So I think if you can survive the first 2 months, 8 tortuously long weeks, then breastfeeding seems to get much easier and actually be preferable to bottle feeding. 

Besides being essentially free and universally safe for your baby, breastfeeding will help you lose weight. 

Now, my third pregnancy was different for many reasons, I gained twice as much weight this time. I was so sick while pregnant with the girls that I only gained 26 and 28 lbs respectively. Also, because I finally saw a psychiatrist after my second bout of postpartum depression, I was on a slew of drugs during my third pregnancy which made me crave carbs incessantly and retain water. After I had the girls, my pregnancy weight essentially melted away just from nursing and going for walks with friends. Not so after the boy. I can now say I have lost 10 lbs since Hyrum was born but that's after 2 months of CrossFit and slowly cutting back on my medications. Because of the heavy doses of medication I was on when I found out I was pregnant, my Dr. warned me I should not breastfeed. At first I felt a little guilty, I even considered going off my medication completely just so I could breastfeed the little guy. I felt so incredibly selfish that I wouldn't be able to provide this great thing for my baby because I was unwell. I thought maybe I could just exercise a lot and eat really well and maybe I didn't need all that medication. I even saw a chiropractor who encouraged me to stop my medication cold turkey. But my husband warned me that breastfeeding my baby wasn't worth risking my life and that it wasn't fair to him and the girls for me to jeopardize my health by going off my medication without my Dr.'s consent. So I resigned myself to bottle feeding my little man and the more I thought about it, the better bottle feeding seemed. Minus the inconvenience of making up a bottle at night, which I solved by buying a nice bottle warmer that kept bottles cool until it was time to feed the baby, then I could safely warm them in a steam bath. So I've been bottle feeding Hyrum for 6 months now and I absolutely LOVE IT! It is amazing! I wish I had bottle fed my other kids that is, unless the girls turn out to be brilliant and Hyrum's just normal, I don't know, it still might be worth it. I cannot believe how much easier it is to bottle feed. Hyrum slept longer than my girls ever did, going 5 hours by the time he was only 1 month old, he gained weight faster whereas my girls were both "failure to thrive." (terrible words for a new mom to hear). And the best part was how much help I could get. It wasn't all up to me to feed this new baby, anybody could do it. I had the help of my husband and my parents, my sisters and many of my friends, it was so much easier than my first two babies. Now, I know bottle feeding wasn't the only reason I haven't lost much weight yet and baby number 3 is probably easier for most moms but I really want to encourage moms to let go of guilt over not being good enough, not doing enough or being everything for their kids. Something baby number 3 has taught me is that there are a lot of ways to feed a baby and getting support makes everyone happier. So long story short, don't be afraid to hand over your little one to someone with a bottle and get some rest once in a awhile.

burdens or blessings

While reading Frog Song by Brenda Z. Guiberson and Gennady Spirin with Hazel at bedtime tonight, it occurred to me that I am like a frog, a male midwife toad to be precise. This amphibian carries his sticky eggs on his back and crouches under a wet log to keep them moist. When he feels the tadpoles squirming, he hops into a pool where they can hatch. Despite the gender difference, among other things, I feel a kinship with this burdened amphibian. I'm sure he'd rather be swimming or cavorting egg-free somewhere in the swamp but, after settling down with a female, he takes it upon himself to ensure the safety of his posterity. He knows instinctively that these tiny lives cannot survive without his constant and attentive care. He enters a sort of hibernation, in which his froggy cares are simplified and focused on performing this one crucial task, to preserve his species. During this time, he gives almost undivided attention to the undeveloped and vulnerable tadpoles on his back. He carries them, protects them, and finds an environment within which they have the best chance of survival. He patiently bears this period of inactivity, knowing it will soon pass and he will have performed his duty well.
I admire the midwife toad in his dedication and concentration. He knows how important it is to care for his young and he doesn't allow anything else to distract him from his responsibility. He literally carries them on his back until they can survive without him.
Often I feel overly burdened by my three babies. Discouraged that I am not measuring up to the standards of success found in the world. That to find happiness I must accomplish some great thing. Reading about the male midwife toad and his actions has reminded me that nothing else I do in my life will be as meaningful or as fulfilling as being a mother. There is no way to measure the impact I can have on these young lives. I know it is a God-given responsibility to nurture, protect and teach my children, one worthy of my very best efforts. So I'll keep carrying my three babies, on my back and in my arms until they're ready to venture out on their own.